(2025-06-15) No Excuses

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Author:	Mishell
Summary:	A sample of the thrilling elocution lessons going on at a certain rehabilitated cottage in Elwynn Forest. Mostly dialogue because I'm lazy.
Rating:	M for Mature 17+

Arc: My Fair Ozzy

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light flirting, classism, sexism, angry yelling

"In Hhillsbrad, Hhinterlands, and Hhammerfall, hhurricanes hhardly ever hhappen."

A well-manicured hand intervened itself between Ozzy's mouth and the wildly flickering candle flame - closer to the flame than to her, as though her lips posed the greater danger.

"You're nearly blowing out the candle, Miss Boles. You just want the flame to tremble ever so slightly."

"I'm tired," Ozzy complained. "An' I wish you'd call me Grave'owl."

"That is not a proper young lady's name.."

"Neiver is Boles, if you know."

"It sounds inoffensive, at the very least. 'Gravehowl' sounds ghastly, which is why your guardian does not use it. The gala is in two weeks, Miss Boles, and this was your idea, wasn't it?"

"Yeah," Ozzy admitted irritably.

"I'm sorry?" Arric put a hand behind one ear. "I didn't quite catch that."

"Yes, milord."

"Don't mumble it, Miss Boles; it is two separate words. My. Lord."

"Yes. My. Lord."

"Much better, though perhaps without the sarcasm next time, hm? Now, you can be tired when we're finished for the day. Lady Merelda will be most disappointed in me if you show up at the Fallon Gala sounding like a fishwife. Now, let's try the H's again. You've almost got it."

Ozzy leaned just a bit closer to the candle flame. "In Hillsbrad, Hinterlands, and Hammerfall, hurricanes hardly ever happen." The flame flickered ever so slightly at the appropriate syllables.

"Perfect!" Arric beamed. "You see the benefits of persistence?"

A hesitant smile began to creep its way across Ozzy's face.

"Now, let's go over the phrasebook again," he said.

The smile vanished. "We just done that."

"We just did that. Or, alternately, we've just done that. And that, young lady, is a perfect example of why you need to memorize the phrasebook. Three weeks is not enough time to teach you the entirety of proper Common grammar. Stick to a few key phrases, pronounce them properly, and you can pass for a young lady of excellent breeding. Most such ladies say little else. Now begin. You know me, and you have approached to greet me."

"How do you do," Ozzy said coolly.

"Oh, just lovely. Such a light touch on the H there, just flawless. If I closed my eyes, I might mistake you for a countess. But do not forget to include the name, if the conversation is just beginning."

"How do you do, Lord Arric."

"Ah, those horrid Rs… we'll try to skip phrases that have them until you can crisp them up a bit better, but when it comes to names there's little to be done. Listen closely to how they pronounce their names, and try to mimic it."

"Yes, my lord."

"Well done. Now, I've approached you, and introductions have been made."

"A pleasure to meet you, Lord Arric."

"Perfect. Now I've told you something absolutely delightful, just the most wonderful news, a new baby or a promotion or some such."

"How splendid!"

"Now it's terrible news, war, mayhem, death and so on."

"How dreadful!"

"Now I've informed you of something, but you have no idea what it is I've just said; its absolute Gnomish to you. Blah blah nonsense blah blah blah."

Ozzy widened her eyes slightly, feigning keen alertness. "Is that so?"

"Excellent! Now I've said something dull that I seem to find especially important and exciting."

Ozzy giggled.

"Ah ah ahh… proper ladies don't giggle. Compose yourself."

Her smile vanished again, her eyes dimming. "Yes, my lord."

"Now I've just said that dull thing I care deeply about."

Ozzy smiled sweetly. "How interesting!"

"There we are! And for an extra carrot at dinner… do you remember the—"

"Do go on!"

"Yes, yes, that is the correct addition, but remember never to interrupt. Half a carrot. Now there is an awkward pause in the conversation."

Ozzy stared at Arric.

"When there is an awkward pause, Miss Oslynn, you say…?"

"Oh!! Roight, roight, oi f'ought we was doin' the pause. Um it's been rather an 'ot — It's been rather a hot summer, hhhasn't it?" Ozzy coughed. "I swear all these H's is dryin me throat out."

"Now I am obviously flirting with you."

Ozzy quirked a brow. "Is that so."

"You know very well that I mean the gentleman at the ball is obviously flirting with you."

"But 'ow's it gonna be obvious?" Ozzy said, wide-eyed. "Oi dunno wot gentlemen say when they's flir'in. Jus' brutes."

"Oh they'll usually compliment some aspect of your physical appearance or character, while trying to hold eye contact."

"Give an example, loike?"

"Miss Boles, I suspect you are being impertinent, and I wouldn't like to tell Lady Merelda that you were impertinent. I don't think you'd like that either, would you? So go on, I've just flirted with you, what do you say?"

"That you're pants at flirtin'."

"Miss Boles, do you want to impress at the gala or don't you? What do you say when a gentleman flirts with you?"

Ozzy sighed. "You fla'er me."

"The T's, remember, just behind the teeth with the tip of your tongue. You were doing the T's so well yesterday."

"You flatter me."

"There we are! Now. There's an awkward pause, and you've already filled previous pauses with all the safe questions you know. Or perhaps your stocking is falling down, or you've been asked something the phrasebook does not cover, or some other such calamity."

Ozzy put on her most calm and dignified expression. "Would you excuse me for a moment?"

"Oh dear, that U is wobbling all over the place. Try 'excuse me' again."

"Excuse."

"Excuse Tighten up the vowel."

"Excuse."

"Listen to me. You aren't listening. 'Excuse me,' with a nice tight u; your lips should pucker."

"Gonna put me boot in YOUR tight pucker if you make me say it again. I'M TIRED, I SAID!"

Arric drew back at the sudden shout, eyes widening. Then he frowned.

"The trouble isn't that you can't learn," Arric said, slowly turning pink about the cheeks and ears. "You're a quick study when you wish to be. The trouble is your temperament; you're stubborn as a mule and honestly downright mean-spirited at times. Lady Merelda did not prepare me for your temper, but I daren't disappoint her."

"Would you excuse me for a moment?"

"Not until you say it right."

"Would you excuse me for a moment?"

"Please pay attention. Excuse me. Can you not hear the difference? Excuse me."

Ozzy's eyes filled with tears. "Excuse me. Excuse me."

"Excuuuuse me," Arric persisted.

"Excuse me."

"Not quite. Excuse me."

"MY LORD I GOTTA PISS!!! LEMME GO OR I'LL DO IT ON THE FLOOR LIKE THE FUCKIN DOG YOU FINK I AM!"

Arric stared at Ozzy. Stared some more.

"I believe we are done for the day," he said. "Please come back tomorrow."