(2023-10-03) A Path in an Open Field

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Author:	Alli
Summary:	Spending so long in one place, Aszera can no longer avoid thinking about her life and her choices. Luckily, she has Kitharian to give her another perspective.
Rating:	M for Mature 17+

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guilt, discussion of undead personhood and killing the undead, grief, loss of family/parents

It's an overcast day in Zul'drak, and a chill autumn breeze rustles the drying red-brown leaves of the native trees. At the edge of the Argent Stand, Aszera Sunstrike focuses on one freed - or discarded - leaf twisting in the air and drifting down to the cold stone walkway beneath.

It's quiet for the moment, at least, no waves of trolls or undead trying to break themselves on the firmly entrenched Argent outpost. Aze isn't even officially on watch at the moment, if she could ever be said to be 'on watch'. She's just… being alone. Thinking.

Aze turns away from the leaf and wraps her arms around her chest, making her way around the edge of the camp. Moving is better than thinking. Unfortunately for her, the first does not preclude the second.

Kit glances over and leaves off arguing prices for repairs of armor and watches Aze for a moment before abandoning the field altogether. She hurries over, setting a path to intercept that of the slender elf. "Aze," she says. Without waiting for acknowledgement, she repeats the name with an uplift inflection. "Aze? You ok?"

Aze straightens, turning to face the red-haired paladin with a quick indrawn breath, ready for some kind of conflict. It takes her a second, but then she relaxes. "Kit. No, I was just… in between tasks, and I wasn't sure what to do with myself. What are you up to? On your way out into the field?"

"If I can get my armor repaired for under the cost of a new set," she says with a wry twist to her lips. "You looked deep in thought and so serious! If you need a task, I'm sure we can find one for you. Mostly I fly around and look for settlements. There's always someone who needs something, so there's that path, too."

"Maybe a task would be good, if there's something people would trust me with," Aze turns to face Kit more fully, considering her. "You seem better, if not your armor. Things go well with Brother Black, then?"

"He's good at that," Kit says, gesturing in the direction that Aze had been moving, inviting her to continue strolling if she'd like. "Helping you see the path forward, I mean. You should spend some time with him. I think he'd like you and I know you'd like him. And I also know that people in need trust help from any source. The Silver Hand emblem will help."

"Mm, I'm always careful to keep the tabard visible," Aze says, turning to continue walking slowly along the edge of the camp. "As for Brother Black, I bet I would, and who wouldn't like me, right? So you've got your path all sorted out, then?"

Clasping her hands behind her back, Kit strolls alongside Aze. "Well, that's more an ongoing process than a one-time thing," she says. "The paths we walk, if they're true to us, aren't well-trod. After all, we haven't walked them yet. So sometimes things seem broad and open and we see the way forward clearly, then sometimes we find ourselves in a vast field with no clue which way to go. And there's never a path backwards."

"That part hurts sometimes," Aze says conversationally. "I'd guess you feel that as well as I do. I usually just try to… I don't know… run forward quickly enough that I can just… forget what came before. Or at least not think about it too deeply. Not feel it too much. But I've been in this camp for months now. Having a routine. Does that bother you? Routine?"

Kit blinks, surprised, and looks over. "Does routine bother me?" She grins. "Are you getting bored, Aze? Not good enough for you to help stand against Arthas?"

"No, that's not what I meant," Aze protests with a nervous laugh. She shifts her shoulders uncomfortably, like there's a weight on them, though she isn't carrying anything. "I'll follow orders, I've given my word. Whatever the Argent Crusade asks of me. And you… you're on your path now, if you were off it before?"

"I know you'll follow orders," Kit says, a questioning thread in her tone. She hesitates, then answers the question. "You're never really off your path, you know. You might stumble a bit and fall, but it's still your path. Like that wide-open field analogy; no matter where you walk, that's the path you're on. I guess the thing I try to do is fix my eyes on a goal and make sure I'm walking toward it. Even if that goal is just 'be of use' or 'serve others' or even just 'get up in the morning and do better than I did yesterday'. Some days that's all I can manage. So… yes, I'm on my path for all that it took a dark turn." She smiles again. "It turns out 'slaughter all the Forsaken' is a terrible goal to aim toward."

"Maybe it was useful, for a time. Maybe you took out some of the people responsible," Aze turns toward her slightly with a quick flash of a smile. "But yeah, long term…. I mean, you were all on me for not giving my sister a chance. I guess I see you as a person with more… nuance? Nuance and anger."

"Nuance and anger," Kit says, laughing. "An odd combination, isn't it? I guess I just saw something in the death knights that I found pitiable, and I didn't want you to lose whatever fragment of your sister remained under all that … that lack of nuance and anger. I knew hunger couldn't be all she was; she didn't have a lot of memories when I first met her, but she clung to the ones she did have. I wanted to help her, and I knew you'd be the one to help bring her back. As much as she could be brought back."

Aze hums in thought for a moment, then says, "I guess I've helped her as much as she can be helped. Sometimes it's like I have my sister back, and other times…" she shrugs again. "Still, I've been thinking about that - about why I was so angry, at first. I think I… can I tell you something? It's not important, really, not to anyone but me."

Kit nods. "Important enough, then. I'd like to hear it."

"Okay, well… I guess I sort of have to explain," Aze frowns. "How much do you know about what happened in Quel'thalas, during the war? The Third War, I mean. I guess… maybe you got caught up in all that mess too? Not in Quel'thalas, but…" Aze gestures with one hand vaguely. All that area.

"Not really," Kit says. "I was living in Northshire Abbey for most of that, as… well, it's a whole story. But all I had were second- and third-hand accounts of what was going on."

"Hm. It felt like the whole world was ending. I guess I'm glad it wasn't ending everywhere," Aze crosses her arms again, and adds, "I was near the city, only involved in the defense once he'd already made it that far. That part was… my battle. Falling back, trying to evacuate civilians, failing. Watching the dead get… repurposed." Aze takes a breath, turning away from Kit.

Kit stays silent, hands still behind her back. She glances off at a falling leaf, giving Aze some privacy while continuing to walk beside her. The hem of her cloak furls out to brush over the elf woman at her side.

"We fell back to Silvermoon City, the Magisters were the main defense there. The City fell. That was when I lost… when my parents…" Aze takes a shuddering breath. "I'm sorry, this isn't even the thing, and it was years ago already. I should be over it. Maybe it's just that I’m going step by step and remembering…" She shakes her head. "We didn't really know that at the time, just that they weren't with the survivors. That's where my sister and I were, with the retreating force, pushed back to Quel'danas."

"Children never get over losing their parents," Kit murmurs, acknowledging the pain while trying not to derail the story.

"Turns out, the Scourge doesn't waste resources. They marched across the water… frozen into ice… cut to the Sunwell," Aze licks her lips. "He was with them. My father. He was dead. Undead. So I killed him. Again. It was just… part of the battle. I don't think anyone noticed. Yara didn't see. I didn't tell her."

"You killed your f— Your father's…" Kit stops herself before she can make things worse. She looks over at Aze, frowning. "Light bless us… That was a trial that would break anyone. How did you… What makes you think of that today?"

"It's… part of why I was so angry, when I found out about my sister. Maybe most of why." Aze falls silent, tightening her arms around herself.

"Angry that she'd been taken too?" Kit guesses.

"More than that. I tried to believe it wasn't him, that it was just… just a corpse the Scourge was using. I never told Yara, I just left. That was part of the reason, really, she was all trying to organize a memorial or whatever and I couldn't… I couldn't face it," Aze grits her teeth for a moment, and then continues, "And what she is now, she wouldn't even care if I told her, and I can't face that either." One of Aze's hands shakes, and she tightens it into a fist to stop it. "I get these nightmares. There's a few… themes. That was one of the themes, losing her. Seeing her like that. And now it's even worse, because it happened, and she's still there. And it's still her inside. Which, if that's true, if I accept that's true, then it means I killed…" her voice breaks a little, and she continues, "It means I'm a monster."

Kit takes a long step and turns, blocking Aze from moving forward without running into Kit. "No," Kit says forcefully. "No, you're not. I've fought at Wintergarde, I've seen what Arthas raises when he's not really trying. They are shells, blanks, just cannon fodder. They fight because he raised the body, but he doesn't raise the soul, the spirit. That, he reserves for his Death Knights. There's a difference. I swear it, there's a difference."

Aze stops in her tracks, tilting her head up as if she would meet Kit's gaze. "The Forsaken. They weren't really a thing when I left. They had enough will to break free. Does that mean they have souls? Their own souls?"

Uneasily, Kit shifts on her armored feet. "I don't know," she admits. "I don't know how they break free, if something sets them free or… I don't know if they remember not being free. I've never exactly chatted with one."

"Maybe we should," Aze sighs. "I've been around them, a little, since I got back to Azeroth. But I haven't exactly chatted with them either."

"I do know this, though," Kit says. "I know that even if your father were in there somewhere, he'd rather you killed him than watch himself kill you. Trapped behind his own eyes, watching himself attack his daughter? No, I guarantee he'd have wanted someone to stop him, to put him down rather than that. I know he'd be sorry it was you. Just as I'm sorry it was you." Hesitantly, she lifts a gloved hand to rest on Aze's shoulder, an offer of gentle comfort.

Aze gives a kind of a shiver, her face tightening in a way that might ordinarily presage incoming tears. Instead, she shifts forward, opening her arms to embrace Kit.

Kit holds Aze close, one hand burying in the sleek dark strands of Aze's hair. "You did what you should have done," she murmurs, "what no one should ever have to do. This is all Arthas's fault. I'm going to kick his ass one of these days." She sounds serious, intent, her voice a little husky.

Aze's breath comes ragged, and she clings to Kit, maybe a little tighter than comfort would prefer. Quietly, close to Kit, she says, "Thank you. Sometimes I think there's something wrong with me. I'm not like Rae, that way. I've followed people that valued that in me, but…" Aze trails off.

Silent and understanding, Kit seems prepared to hold Aze for eternity, if it's needed. "Who's Rae?" she finally asks.

"Oh, um…" the question seems to derail Aze's train of thought, which is likely a good thing. She loosens her hold on Kit slightly and explains, "Ralaea Westwind? It's her nickname. I killed her friend, the one that turned Scourge. For her, I mean, because she couldn't."

"Ah." Kit takes a moment, then says again, "ahhh," as understanding dawns. "But you wish you weren't the kind of person that people think can do those things." Kit also lets go a little.

Aze shifts back, leaving her hands on Kit's shoulders, just enough that Kit can see the bleak smile on her face. "I am the kind of person who can do those things, so they're not wrong. Maybe… sometimes I wish I weren't. But I know… I know people like that about me. I was a good soldier against the Scourge, because I don't falter. And then Varedis, he thought it made me reliable, one of the ones who could be counted on to… well, and then with Ralaea, again, it was the one good deed I could do. A strength I had before all the demon shit. So maybe that's the best of me, that's who I am. That I can kill on command, without hesitation. As long as nobody has to see the aftermath, I don't… I don't know, Kit."

Kit steps back and considers. "You can do it," she says slowly, "but it does cost you or you wouldn't be here worried you're a monster for being able to do those things. It should cost; even if you know that sometimes putting a monster down is the right thing to do, it shouldn't be easy. It should make you question, and it does. It's certainly not the best of you, even I know that. I'd say the best of you is the need to be of service, to find a path that fulfills you. Otherwise, you'd just be an assassin for hire, a killer who kills on command and without hesitation.

"And maybe it does make you reliable for that one task, but it's something I can do, too. So can most of us. You can kill with compassion, you know. When it needs to be done, we do it. Not in anger or in the heat of battle, but because it must be done to prevent a greater harm."

Aze's smile fades, and she drops her hands back to her sides. "That just confirms once again that I chose right this time, on who to follow. I hope so. The cost is too high when I choose wrong." She reaches up to brush her fingers along the edge of her blindfold. "But… thanks. You have a… maybe a kinder perspective than I have in my own head. I've never really talked about all this stuff. I usually just, you know, try to move on. Try to keep busy."

"Maybe that in itself is a good thing," Kit offers. "I mean that you have the luxury to ask yourself those questions, to think about them. I hope that helps if you're ever worried about being with the Argent Crusade. Not that you always have to stay with them!" she hastens to add. "Maybe someday your path will take you elsewhere, still somewhere positive and good, but… I just mean that knowing you're in a good, secure place means you're not worried about day-to-day consequences so you can think back and wonder." She shifts a little, uncomfortable perhaps. "And I'm always available for you. If you need anything."

"Sometimes I prefer the danger," Aze says, with a slight shrug, and then she focuses more closely on Kit. "Wait, did I say too much? I just thought nobody cared about any of that but me, but I… I guess I wasn't thinking clearly. I didn't mean to make you carry it, too."

That makes Kit laugh. "Oh no, I'm not carrying it, I promise. Your burdens are yours. We're friends, though, so I reserve the right to worry about you. And to make sure you know I'm here for you."

"Yeah?" Aze says, her voice rising slightly in tone, her expression lightening. "You too, then. I'm not good at finding paths or anything, but I'm here, if you need me. And fel knows I've already made enough mistakes, I'm not likely to judge. Maybe that counts for something, around here."

"It counts for something everywhere," Kit says. She gives a chin-nod toward the distant (now) armor repairer. "I should go leave my things with him. Try not to get gored by giant rhinoceroses, that's my advice. Does a number on your armor."

"I'll keep it in mind," Aze raises an eyebrow and touches a hand to the leather armor on her torso, which would definitely not stop a determined rhinoceros. In a lower tone, she adds, "And I'll try to remember the rest of it, too, when it gets hard to keep from thinking about things."

Then she takes a breath, lifting a hand in farewell. "I'll be around, then? If you need me. For fighting rhinoceroses or… whatever else."

Kit smiles and maybe it's the cold air that gives her cheeks color. Maybe. "Or whatever," she agrees, then turns and trots back the way she came.

Aze stands angled in the direction of Kit's departure for a while longer. Then she turns to continue her circuit around the camp, now with a faint, but genuine, smile on her face.