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| Details |
| Author: | Athena |
| Summary: | Captain Jo seeks out Oranna to find out how the search for Bargrimm Stormbreaker is going. The news is not good. 3k-ish words. |
| Rating: | T for Teen |
The balcony at Westguard doesn't have the most spectacular view. But that doesn't seem to matter to the dark haired dwarven hunter sitting on one of the seats, staring out into the middle distance. It doesn't look, from her empty eyed expression, that she's really seeing anything in front of her anyway.
The large white snow leopard is resting by her hunter's side, tail curled up against her body, her head in Oranna's lap. Maybe Oranna had been petting her at some point, as her hand is still resting there, but she's stopped moving long enough ago that there's no purr from the cat beneath her fingers.
Jo blinks into existence not far from the balcony, and frowns at Oranna's still figure as she walks the last few feet by foot.
"Oranna," she says before she's too close, so as not to startle her. "I've been meaning to track you down, ever since we've been able to travel."
Oranna turns her head slightly at the sound of Jo's voice. Her hair is very neatly and well braided, set over a shoulder. She's wearing the leather and mail armor, but it's missing several components, like she simply stopped halfway through.
"Jo." Oranna's voice sounds small and a little hoarse.
Jo presses her lips together as she takes in Oranna's appearance, and says, "I wanted to see how you were doing… can I sit with you and Befound for a while?"
Oranna looks down at Befound, for some reason, and then at the balcony with some surprise, like the hunter is only just now realizing where she's sitting. Her expression fades back into a tired despair, but she nods. "Oh. Aye."
Jo toddles over and hoists herself up into the chair next to Oranna. She looks at her worriedly and seems to think of a few different ways to start before she settles on, "How are… things?"
Oranna looks down at her lap. "He's no' missin', Jo. He…he was never missin'." The words sound hollow, her breath hitching twice.
Jo reaches out to Oranna, hesitates, and then aims to put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "You found him, then?"
Oranna doesn't move, her eyes on Befound's head like she's still not quite sure why the leopard is there. "He's dea — ." Her voice breaks on the word, and she tries again. "He's dead, Jo."
"Oh," Jo says simply, resting her hand on Oranna's shoulder. "I'm sorry. I wish it were otherwise. For you. For him."
"I shoulda…it was foolish ta hope. That they were wrong." Oranna swallows, and bites down on her lower lip for a long, painful moment. "They said it. In th' letter. 'Bargrimm Stormbreaker is missing in action. Presumed dead.' I jus'…it wasn't supposed ta happen like this, Jo." She turns her head to look at Jo, pain drawing lines on her face that radiate out from her eyes, and bracket her mouth, making her look older.
"It never is," Jo says gently, her eyes filling with tears. "But it happens. And we're just left to… to find a way that the world can still make sense."
Oranna's own eyes are dry. "Does it still…" Her face contorts further, as she blinks a few times. "Have ye ever stopped lookin' at it, and wonderin' at a future that doesn't exist anymore?"
"I'm afraid I don't know how to be comforting about this," Jo says, twisting her free hand in the fabric of her skirt. "But yes, I can't even see what that future would've been anymore. Too much has changed. Too much around that future is gone, not just them. And I'm… well… They're frozen in time, and we're moving with it."
Oranna looks at her right hand on Befound, her fingers still and unmoving in the heavy fur. "It took so long fer me ta even look at it. Look ahead again, at any future. I stayed lookin' back so long, and it…I kept telling myself there was no need ta rush, we didn't have ta…we didn't…" She makes a small, helpless sound in her throat. "That we…we had time. But we didn't. Just me. Again. I'm the only one who had time, Jo." She raises dark eyes, red rimmed and dry to Jo's own. "I jus' want to go back."
"If I could…" Jo shakes her head. "Time magic is dangerous and unpredictable. I've thought of that myself, what could I have changed. But… the memory of happiness is still there, for both of us. And the only direction we can move is forward, whether we're looking or not."
"It was a relief, of sorts, when I realized I couldna really remember, exactly, what my brother sounded like. I could remember his words, but his voice was jus'…finally gone, in my head," Oranna says, closing her eyes. "It took fifteen years, but it faded." Her lips tremble. "But I knew him for decades. How long will it be afore I forget what Bargrimm e'en sounded like? Afore his memory jus'…fades."
"I don't think it will, not fully," Jo says, shifting her chair a little closer. "Some things fade, but they're still in there, in your mind. Odd things, odd moments can bring them out. Like… the other day I saw a gnome with a sketchbook, in Fizzcrank. I don't know what she was drawing but the intent look on her face… suddenly I could see Tula quite clearly. And it's been several years now. And I… I kept her sketchbook. I found it, when we went in. That always helps me remember."
"But ye knew each other for so long. I remember ye saying, how long ye'd been friends afore. It's the same with my family. Almost a hundred years o' things ta remember." Oranna tilts her head up to look at the sky, her voice small and hoarse. "How do ye make jus' two years of memories stay with ye forever? An' it's not…with the Siege, it was a year an' I remember so much of it, so many things, but it was terrible. They're…they're more like scars I hope ta fade. With Bargrimm, there were so many things that were jus'…quiet an' soft an' small an' already forgotten, but I…I didnae worry about them slippin' away from me because I thought there'd be thousands more of them. I don't really remember them e'en now."
"But you remember how they felt," Jo says, watching Oranna rather than the sky. "That quiet, small, softness. Even if the thing itself is gone, you can hold on to the feeling."
"Can I?" Oranna asks the sky. It doesn't answer, as small white clouds move slowly across the blue. "I'm jus'… I'm so tired, Jo. The tears dinna even help anymore, and I keep pushin' it all away. It wasn't like tha', afore, when my family……I felt adrift, but no' like this…like it feels like every tomorrow I see without him is wrong an' empty."
"I wish I could say that would stop," Jo says, brushing a tear away from under her eye. "Or that there was something that would definitely help, but… the only thing I can think to say is to put something in the tomorrows, when you can. Even if it's not the right thing, yet, or it doesn't seem like it has any meaning. Don't let them just stay empty."
"When my family died, it was th' siege. Th' war. Ye had ta get up, because…ye jus'…" Oranna shakes her head, brows drawing in together into lines of pain. "Had ta. After, it was… when it was quiet, an' no one needed me fer anythin' anymore…" She looks at Befound.
The snow leopard hasn't moved at all, except for a few small thuds of taps of the tip of her tail against the balcony.
"My first snow leopard lass. Her name was 'Mywill.'" Oranna swallows. "'My Will Ta Live.' It's wha' it took. I took care of her and I had ta take care of meself ta do it."
"Befound still needs you," Jo says quietly. "And I think… I think you'll find others do, too. That was what helped me, in the worst of it. Being useful. Being needed."
"I know. It was jus'…I felt like I'd finally stopped only survivin', an' started living again." Oranna strokes her fingers slowly along Befound's ear. "Twenty years of waitin' ta start again."
"This time, you're not alone," Jo says. "You've got friends here with you. People who know you, and who… knew him."
Oranna turns to look at Jo and there's an attempt at a smile; it doesn't quite make it. "I had me cousin afore. But, I never wanted ta talk about…" She looks to the right, and there's a flicker around her eyes. "It's different this time. I feel like I want ta say e'erything about him, an' at the same time, jus' thinkin' about it…hurts like nothin' else."
"If you want to talk about him, I'm here," Jo says, trying to keep eye contact. "The talking… that hurts less, over time. Especially about the good things."
"Do ye still…talk about them? Yer spouses?" Oranna asks, swallowing painfully again. Her voice sounds strained, and it's probably been a long time since she had anything to drink. "When ye can?"
"I do," Jo nods, starting to look away, but then stopping herself. "Sometimes. It was hard at first. I felt like if I said as much as their names I would just… start crying and not be able to stop. And sometimes, I worried I'd make people uncomfortable. But… I do. When I can."
Oranna nods, blinking dry eyes as she looks at Jo. Her lips tremble again. "I remember, when ye were talkin' about Tula. That it hurt a little, but that it seemed…easier. I…" Oranna looks to the right, breaking eye contact, her expression going a little faraway for a moment. "E'ery memory is jus'…I dun want ta think about it. I dun want ta talk about it. I jus' want ta go back ta it, and be there again. An' it's not…"
"I know," Jo blinks back more tears. "But you don't have to talk about it right now. Just, when you want to. When you want to be there in your thoughts."
Oranna nods slowly, sitting back more into her seat. The exhaustion is obvious in the way her face moves, as she looks at Befound, who is as silent as a statue, her tail thumping periodically. "Will ye tell me somethin' about them? A memory. Jus'…anythin' that's yers, an' not mine ta think of?" There's a warble in her voice.
"Of course," Jo says, with a sad smile of her own, and settles back into her chair. "A memory. A good one. Hmm… maybe the time I tried to throw Tula a surprise birthday party. Emphasis on tried." There's a hint of a laugh in her words. "Looking back on it now… I thought I was so sneaky, but there's no way she hadn't figured it out in any case. I just happened to have a commission to make a flock of hummingbirds that were all in her favorite colors, and that hummed… well, it was a traditional birthday song in gnomish." Jo shakily hums a few bars.
Oranna flinches, for some reason, ever so slightly at the start of the song, her hand closing around Befound's fur, but she joins in, and sings the words of the stanza in a heavily dwarven accented gnomish. Her voice sounds terrible, but it's unclear how much of it is lack of ability and how much is her current state.
When the song ends, Jo is quiet for a moment, but then she continues. "Rix and I planned the whole day. It wasn't going to be a lot of people. Just a few friends from the workshop, and some she knew through her work. As a tailor, I mean. They were supposed to gather at our house after work, and I was supposed to delay Tula leaving her clothing store to give them time to set up. Only…" Jo chuckles, her eyes distant at the memory. "…she knew it was her birthday, of course, and she wanted to head home early to spend time with us. And so she was baffled that I kept asking her questions about… oh I don't know, this hem on one in-progress dress, or why this fabric? I didn't know hardly anything about tailoring, so I'm sure some of my questions didn't even make sense."
Oranna's face moves into the shape of a warm smile, but there are tears gathering along the edges of her eyes, turning them redder. "Oh, aye. Tha's sweet and funny, all at once. Ye ne'er had much of a dissemblin' to ye."
"No, I never did," Jo smiles wistfully. "Of course, it didn't help when her friend came by… was it Pixi? Or maybe Poppi?… to let Tula know she was going to be late for the party. To let Tula know. She was going to be late. To her surprise party."
Oranna makes a shaky, hoarse sound of a muffled kind of laugh, as though she wasn't expecting to laugh and hadn't thought to open her mouth for it.
"Still, the party went well, even if it wasn't a surprise," Jo says, staring off into the distance. "She loved the birds. It was… it was a good day."
"It sounds lovely," Oranna says quietly, her fingers relaxing a little on Befound's fur.
The snow leopard shifts a little because someone mentioned a party, and sometimes parties have food, and now she's hungry.
"These are the sorts of things I try to remember," Jo says. Her eyes fill with tears again, but she doesn't seem to notice. "The things I want to keep in my heart."
Oranna makes a sound like the start of a whimpering sob, and she nods, closing her eyes. The tears gather along her lashes. "It's a good one, ta keep."
"It took a while, before I could remember the happiness and feel it more than the…" Jo looks over at Oranna. "When it gets to the time you feel like you want to try, I'll always be happy to listen. In the meantime… do you know Mordecai?"
Oranna moves her hand up to her face, wiping harshly at her eyes with the back of her wrist. "I…wha'?" There's a brief pause before Oranna answers, "Oh, aye. Mordecai Aspenwood, tha' lad Colson's husband? Th' chaplain. Ah, the husband, no' the paladin one. I…" Oranna stops talking.
"Yes, that Mordecai," Jo says. "He's… he can be… helpful to talk with. If you want."
"Oh. Ah, I wouldna…I mean, I'd…I wouldna want ta be botherin' th' lad, I'm sure he's…got…" Oranna shrugs helplessly. Other things to do. Important things. Chaplain things. Whatever those are. Does Oranna know what chaplains do? Very possibly no.
"That's… that's sort of what a Chaplain does," Jo looks over at Oranna, trying to think of the right words. "It's what he wants to do. You know, he asked me to put that note about him in the newsletter. Because he wants to help."
Oranna smooths her hand along her braid over her shoulder, her expression warring between denying it out of hand and considering it seriously. "I dun know that I could…I mean, wha' would I even say? Jus'…" She looks at Jo for answers. "He canna possibly want ta jus' hear me sayin' tha' I'm…" Her hands move in little twitches of suggestion. "Sad?"
"You could start with that, see how it goes?" Jo shrugs. "If it doesn't help, well… it was a thing to try."
Oranna bites down on her lower lip, enough that it leaves a brief indent on it before she looks down and away. "Alrigh'. I'll…wha' do I do? Jus'…write ta him? Or…is there somewhere ye go? An office or…we dinna have headquarters out here an'…" Oranna lifts her head to the balcony. "Er."
"You could write to him? He had a room back in Valiance Keep, but… we've all sort of moved around since then," Jo smiles apologetically. "Just ask where he'd be available to meet?"
Oranna twists her hand around her braid, nodding in small movements. She looks obviously reluctant, and the thought that she's going to be bothering someone she shouldn't is written in bold across her face, but she says, "Okay. I'll…write him. I'll try." She swallows hard again.
Jo squeezes her shoulder slightly. "I bet he'll be happy to talk to you."
"I dun know wha' I'll even be able ta say…I…" Oranna's hand digs in deeper to her hair, twisting it hard enough to snap a few strands. "Will ye tell me another? Of yer…husband?"
"Of course," Jo says, gazing out of the balcony. "Hmm, let me think. A lot of my strongest memories with Rix involve… making things. That was the passion we shared. He was always a bit more utilitarian, and I was a bit more fanciful. His way was valued more than mine, to be honest, but he never acted that like he thought that way. Not from the beginning."
Oranna curls in a little over herself like there's a pain in her stomach. "I…do ye still have his designs at all?"
"A few of them, I…" Jo hesitates, and adds in a low voice. "After we went in, I stayed back for a little while. I went… home. And took a few things."
"I have his leg," Oranna confesses in a rough voice, and then, immediately flushes and moves both hands in a furtive flap of panicked denial like two birds caught against a glass window. "Ach, I dinna mean. No', no' th', ah, body, I mean, I didna. I dun. It's the mechanical, th' left…" She inhales a shaky breath and tries again. "I have Bargrimm's left, mechanical leg."
Jo looks startled for a moment, but then understanding dawns. "The one he made. I remember. That's… that's a good thing to have. To remember by."
"I'm no'…there's somethin' wrong with it? I canna get it ta bend right, an'…I…" Oranna drops her head down. "Would ye come an' look at it, maybe? I know it's no' really yer area of expertise, but maybe if ye know some of tha' sort of thing…from…Rix…?"
"Sure, given it's an articulated… um, yes, I can have a look at it?" Jo turns to look at Oranna. "Do you… do you just want it to bend right, or for it to be… fully functional?"
There's a chattering sound as Oranna's teeth clatter in a wave of something that chills her beyond the Northrend cold. She folds over more, as though trying to absorb a blow to the waist. "I dun…I dunno, Jo. I…I jus' dun want it ta…ta…" She takes a shaky breath in and out. "It's all that's left. I dun want it ta fade away or… break apart."
"I'll look at it," Jo says, her eyes wide with concern. "I'll fix it. I'll figure it out, I promise."