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| Details |
| Author: | Athena |
| Summary: | After a day out in the Botanica, Colson returns home to Mordecai, where they discuss the events of the day and the struggles that go on unseen behind the Light. Please see CWs. 7500-ish words. |
| Rating: | M for Mature 17+ |
Chain: Morson
In the Telaar inn.
Colson's aura shifts just outside the door, as [Crusader Aura] is replaced with [Devotion Aura]. The paladin unlocks the door, and enters in a smooth, graceful step, his attention sweeping briefly through the room until it lands on Mordecai. "Hi."
Mordecai is seated at the kitchen table, writing in their recipe book. He abandons it mid-word, turning around. "Colson! Welcome back."
Colson smiles gently, going to remove his sword. There is a lot of blood on the paladin's armor, most of which has dried. There's a splattering of it on his face that makes it unclear whose it might have been, but the ripped sections around the bends of his arms suggest the paladin took some actual damage at some point. "It is good to be back," he says, happiness in his voice.
Mordecai rushes across the room, rolling up his sleeves on the way. "Are you and the others all right?"
"Yes, we are all well," Colson says, as he removes his cloak. "The Archmage has his key."
Mordecai looks Colson over with a serious expression that keeps threatening to turn into a smile. "Would you like help?"
Colson makes a happy humming sort of sound, leaning his face closer. "I would enjoy the help," Colson answers honestly. He holds eye contact as he adds softly, "I am fine. All wounds healed, and nothing still caught in the armor. The thorns pulled it out and away when they lifted free."
Mordecai goes, "Thorns?" as he moves in for a kiss, which is really not the best way to get someone to answer a question.
Colson returns the kiss gently, holding himself a little away, although he brushes an extra kiss to Mordecai's cheek before he pulls back. "Yes. A mutated lasher of some sort. It caught me by surprise mid-cast. The thorns sunk into my skin, to drain some life away." Colson starts a hand onto the strap holding the pauldrons in place as he strides to the table. "It only lasted a few seconds."
Mordecai follows him over. Time to help remove armor. "There's nothing stuck, truly? That's fortunate."
Colson makes an affirmative sound. "Yes. All the flesh that was caught in the armor was ripped out and free," he says, casually, turning in place to lean very slightly against the table. "I healed the damage to myself. The armor I will have repaired later."
Mordecai nods, setting armor pieces neatly on the table one by one. "That sounds painful," he says mildly.
"It was," Colson admits. "It was not enough to disrupt my concentration, and the others were well. I was able to cast [Beacon of Light] on Dane, even in combat."
"You were? Oh, that's wonderful." Mordecai kisses Colson's cheek regardless of the amount of blood on it.
Colson smiles faintly, a hint of color on the peak of his cheekbones. "Yes, well. Three times successfully. Seven attempts of failure. But when it mattered, I was able to. Auralind…shifted to a more upclose fighting than her usual, putting the three of them, Dane, Alysson, and Auralind, in range of direct combat."
Once the armor is all arranged on the table, Mordecai goes to remove the somewhat shredded under armor shirt as well. "What did it feel like?"
Colson grunts, sounding uncannily like Dane, his face serious and his eyes alight with humor.
Mordecai does the confused puppy head tilt.
Colson reaches up a hand to Mordecai's face, cupping his cheek, Colson smiling softly. "It felt like Dane. I was aware of him, like a hand on my shoulder. Nothing more."
"Oh, I see." Mordecai sounds faintly relieved. "I'm glad you were able to use it when you needed it."
Colson nods. "It is easier, to save them a few moments of pain or discomfort." His thumb strokes a light line across Mordecai's cheek. "Auralind was…strongly affected by what we found in there. They were experimenting with the nature elementals from Kalimdor, and had managed to corrupt one of the Ancients." Colson drops his gaze to his hand. "Irreversibly corrupted it."
"That's terrible," Mordecai says softly.
"Yes. We brought it whatever peace there was left to give," Colson says, his gaze locked on his hand. "They have corrupted that place in their desperation, causing harm even to themselves, as they lose control over what they have wrought."
Mordecai makes a quiet, thoughtful noise and looks at the armor. "Does that need to be cleaned sooner rather than later?"
Colson turns his attention to the armor. "It will not rust, or come to harm with a delay." There's a hint of a smile around his lips. "Although I believe my former Master Sergeant would take issue with that statement," Colson says, his voice a little dry.
Mordecai smiles. "Do you want to get cleaned up first, or deal with that first? I can help either way. Whatever you'd like."
Colson steps a little closer. "I have blood in my hair," he says, and he manages to make it sound inviting. "I will not rust either, but I would prefer to be clean of it sooner all the same."
Mordecai smiles and reaches up to touch Colson's hair. "Oh? Oh, yes, you do, I see. Come on, then."
Colson smiles back, stepping towards the washroom.
Time Passes
Colson, redressed in an identical set of under armor clothing, works carefully at the armor. He's using a brush that looks suspiciously like a toothbrush to clean around the damaged sections of his armor.
Mordecai, now wearing a pair of loose black pajama pants and a fresh undershirt, sits on the padded bench on the desk, legs pulled up to sit cross-legged. "That was all vines?"
Colson makes a faint 'hm?' sound, and looks down at his armor. "Ah. Yes. It was rather large, the lasher," Colson says. "Twice the height of Cressidha." Ah yes, the universal measurement of How Many Sisters Was That Monster.
Mordecai shakes his head and sighs. "I still wish I could ignore pain like you." He sounds vaguely guilty about that.
Colson's hands go still on his armor, as he turns over his shoulder to look at Mordecai. "I wish I could keep you from ever feeling any pain ever again," Colson says, his voice soft. "It is not a virtue of mine. I did this to myself for a purpose, but it does not make me a better healer."
Mordecai looks down at his lap. "I know. I haven't tried anything. I know."
Colson's face pales slightly, as he stares at Mordecai. "You have not tried anything?" Colson asks, his voice carefully even.
Mordecai freezes. He doesn't answer that. He looks very guilty.
Colson abandons his armor. Somewhere, Colson's former Master Sergeant growls angrily, for some reason. Colson kneels in front of Mordecai, his hands reaching for Mordecai's as he looks up into his face. "Mordecai? What have you not tried, love?"
"N-nothing." Mordecai looks down at Colson. "I haven't tried anything. You don't have to worry."
Colson searches Mordecai's face as though he's dropped something into a dark pool of water and he desperately needs to retrieve it. "But you have considered trying something?" Colson asks gently, without judgment.
Mordecai hesitates, but he nods. "Yes," he says in a small voice. "I haven't. I'm all right."
Colson inhales a sharp, low hiss of almost pain at the admission, dropping his gaze immediately to their hands. "Because of what I said? Because you wish you could do what I do?" Colson asks, and there is genuine pain in the paladin's voice.
"You didn't give me any new ideas," Mordecai says quietly, and squeezes Colson's hands twice.
Colson brings Mordecai's left hand up to his mouth to press a kiss over the wedding ring there. "Please," Colson says, and for a moment there's a long enough pause that it almost sounds like the entire thought. "Please, I beg you. I could not bear that. Not without breaking something in me, love. Please, promise me," Colson begs, with deep sincerity causing a faint shake in his voice.
Mordecai's grip tightens on Colson's hands. He doesn't say anything immediately, but he seems to be thinking hard.
Colson closes his eyes, head bowed over Mordecai's hand.
"I promise," Mordecai says after a full two minutes, voice tight, and then he begins to cry.
Colson pulls Mordecai into an embrace, on a sharp inhale. "Oh, love," he says. "Forgive me."
Mordecai presses his face against Colson's shoulder. "I haven't for months," he says in a small voice. "Not once since you proposed. I've been good. What did I do wrong?"
"Nothing," Colson says, his voice gentle but firm. "You have done nothing wrong. If anyone is to blame, it is I, for making it seem…as though it is something you could strive for. I do not ever want this for you, not at the cost of it. I am sorry. I cannot bear that pain."
"I don't want to hurt you," Mordecai says into Colson's shoulder. "It's been months. Months. Every day I wake up and I shave with the bathroom door open and I don't. Do. Anything." He sounds like he's forcing the words out.
Colson leans back, to look Mordecai in the eyes. "I believe you," he says with absolute faith.
Mordecai is still crying, almost silently. He nods. "I still upset you, somehow?"
"No, I am not upset with you, darling," Colson says, voice soft. "I am upset with myself, for not noticing, not realizing, what impact I might have had upon you, to make you wish for this." He looks up at Mordecai, sorrow on his face. "If I could take back my words, I would, but I cannot." He brushes his fingers along Mordecai's wedding ring again. "Thank you, for taking care of what I find most precious."
"It's something I've wanted since before I ever met you," Mordecai says, swallowing hard. "I always knew it was possible. You didn't give me any new ideas on the matter, Colson."
"No, only proof of someone who had done so," Colson says, his voice quiet, an intimate almost-whisper.
"I might always be a little jealous." Mordecai's expression flickers, but he manages to hold eye contact, blinking through the tears.
"I understand. As long as…that is all it is," Colson says, his tone hollow. "I would help you, if you asked it of me. Anything, Mordecai. Even if it would destroy me. I would do anything for you. I love you more than I love myself." Colson reaches up to brush his left hand against Mordecai's tears.
"Colson, I promised." Mordecai lets go of him, rubbing at his eyes with both hands. "That's all it is. I won't do anything. I haven't, and I won't."
Colson nods slowly, still kneeling, watching Mordecai with soft, sad eyes. "Thank you," he whispers.
"Fuck, why am I still crying?" Mordecai makes a faint, frustrated noise. "I'm all right. It just won't stop."
Colson holds out a hand near Mordecai's face. "May I?" He asks, his hand warm with a [Hand of Protection], a soft shimmer of the hint of it in the air.
Mordecai blinks and nods.
The [Hand of Protection] blooms around Mordecai, Colson still inside the range of it, passing through it easily as he tilts his head up closer to Mordecai's.
Mordecai visibly relaxes. A few more tears fall, but that's it. He wipes his eyes off again and smiles weakly at Colson. "Thank you."
"Always." Colson's gaze goes from each of Mordecai's eyes. "May I kiss you?"
Mordecai puts a hand on Colson's shoulder. "Let me wash my face off first, please, and then yes? I'll be right back."
"Of course," Colson says, placing his hand around Mordecai's as Colson rises to a stand, holding it carefully so as not to pull Mordecai up as the paladin straightens.
Mordecai takes an extra couple moments before he pulls free and heads to the washroom. He doesn't close the door, he just goes directly to the sink and does in fact wash his face.
Colson turns and places his hands carefully on the desk, head bowing as the paladin shuts his eyes, breathing evenly.
Mordecai exits the washroom and moves to the wardrobe, picking out the first pajama shirt he can find and pulling it on. He begins buttoning it up as he climbs over the padded bench to get back to Colson.
Colson remains where he is, eyes closed.
"I'm here," Mordecai says quietly, and wraps his arms around Colson from behind.
Colson makes a soft sound, setting his hands gently over Mordecai's.
"That was a difficult promise for me to make," Mordecai says quietly. "I'm still very glad you asked. Thank you."
Colson exhales and almost sags with relief at the words.
"You've been… very good for me." Mordecai rests his chin on Colson's shoulder and looks at their reflections in the mirror.
A flicker of a smile passes across the paladin's face. "You have been the best thing to happen to me," Colson says, with utter conviction in his words, as he lifts his head, opening his eyes to look at them both in the reflection, smiling gently when he sees Mordecai looking at him.
Mordecai smiles back. "My Colson. That was difficult for you to ask of me, too, wasn't it?"
"Yes," Colson admits. "It feels selfish to ask it, as though I am asking far too much of you, yet. I…" Colson hesitates, looking down at their hands. He sighs softly.
"How you feel is important to me," Mordecai says firmly. "Thank you for asking. It wasn't selfish."
Colson turns his head over his shoulder, looking at Mordecai.
Mordecai attempts to turn Colson around to face him properly. "Every day, I." Mordecai stops talking in the middle of that sentence, just cutting it short entirely. "You wanted to kiss me earlier?"
"Yes," Colson says, but rather than move towards that goal he prompts, "Every day you?"
"Every day I think about something you said to me once," Mordecai says quietly. "Every morning. I used to shave pretty carelessly, because even if I nicked myself by accident, I could just heal it, and it wouldn't matter. I'm careful now."
Colson's smile is a soft dawn's breaking of an expression, as his eyes fill with emotion. He leans in closer, blinking a little more. "Thank you," Colson says again.
Mordecai cups Colson's cheek and asks, "May I?"
"Always." Colson leans into the touch, staring at Mordecai with his heart in his eyes.
Mordecai leans in for a kiss, soft and unhurried, his free arm wrapping around Colson's waist to pull him closer.
Colson sinks into it, leaning further back into the desk. Is his armor still waiting to be cleaned? Yes. Does Colson care? Nope.
Mordecai says quietly, "You said, 'I vow that I would rather suffer a thousand deaths than one moment of your pain,'" with the easy recitation of a memorized phrase.
Colson leans back slightly to look at Mordecai's face. It takes him a moment before he says, "I would. I know now that it would not…my death would hurt you." Colson drops his eyes for a moment before he raises them back up. "I can take your pain, as a paladin. Not all of it, but if I could…I would. Death means very little to me, compared to you in pain."
"It was both the most romantic and the most… critically important thing anyone had ever said to me at that point in my life." Mordecai blushes faintly. "It was what made me start taking better care of myself."
Colson flushes slightly and leans forward to press a kiss to Mordecai's cheek. "I am glad of it. I love you."
Mordecai smiles a little. "I love you too. Are you all right?" Nope, useless question. "That is… how are you feeling?"
Colson scans Mordecai's face. "I feel as though I do not want to move away from you at all. I know I should, to finish my armor, but I do not want to," he confesses, a faint half-smile curling his lips.
Mordecai tightens his grip a little. "Ah… If we move this all over to the kitchen table, I could sit next to you?"
Colson chuckles, and leans in to press what he intends to be a brief kiss to Mordecai's lips.
Mordecai smiles into it. "Come on, let's get this over with," he says fondly. He seems prepared to follow Colson around the room without letting go.
Colson turns to pick up several of the remaining armor pieces, ready to move the operation to the table.
Mordecai carries cleaning supplies over.
Colson sets his armor down carefully on the table, sitting gracefully a moment after. He stretches his legs out under the table and looks at Mordecai with a soft smile.
After getting settled on the bench and setting everything out, Mordecai scoots as close to Colson as he can, stretching his legs out next to Colson's.
Colson resumes cleaning his armor, moving his left leg to be able to press it against Mordecai's. "Hi," he says gently, as he brushes more of his blood and plant debris from his armor.
"Hi," Mordecai says back, looping an arm around Colson's waist and leaning against him. "Is this better?"
There is a contented sigh from the paladin. His hands slow, but don't stop, in his task. "It is always better with you here," Colson answers honestly.
Mordecai smiles and begins to hum quietly. He doesn't make any attempt to help with the cleaning this time, but he seems to be content.
Colson smiles back, a brief grin, as he recognizes the line. "Yes, that precisely," he says. He doesn't sing it, or hum it back as he says, "'It's so much better with you here./I want you close my dear.'"
Mordecai hums the rest of the song and then says quietly, "I don't remember all the lyrics."
"Ah," Colson says, as he moves a little more briskly through the armor. "I should still have them somewhere, in one of my bags. I could get it for you, if you would like to learn them."
"Later? Not right now." Mordecai rests his chin on Colson's shoulder. "Comfortable."
"Later," Colson agrees.
"Before the Sin'dorei took it over," Colson says as he works. "The Botanica must have been very beautiful. They had Dreaming Glory growing inside there."
Mordecai makes a faint questioning noise. "Indoors?"
Colson nods. "Yes. It was a greenhouse, full of plants. The Dreaming Glory in particular seemed to thrive there. Although in some cases, it seemed as though…they had done something to it, or the soil. They were larger, and the shape of them intact, but the sense of the Light of them…was missing. They felt…wrong," Colson says, in a soft voice as though trying to find the right word.
Mordecai hums thoughtfully. It seems like he's listening, but he just lets Colson talk, a soft expression on his face as he watches Colson cleaning his armor.
"There were samples of fungus as well, powering something. I could not tell what, however, but I would never be so foolish as to underestimate a mushroom," Colson says, and he might actually be serious.
Mordecai smiles a little. "Did you see any traces of the draenei in there?"
Colson shakes his head. "Of their technology, yes, but none of them Draenei themselves. The Sin'dorei have taken it over completely."
Mordecai sighs. "I'd like to see it, one day."
Colson hesitates, and then nods. "Very well," he says. "Then we shall go someday."
"I imagine it's not particularly safe right now, but… greenhouses are fascinating."
Colson's voice is mild. "If you wished to go, even while it remains a danger, I would go with you. I cannot keep you perfectly safe," he keeps his voice light, with acceptance. "But I would try."
Mordecai nuzzles Colson's shoulder. "Mmhm. I know. I'm not in a hurry. I'd like to see the Exodar more."
"We could go tomorrow, if you would like," Colson offers easily as he sets aside another piece of armor to pick up the next.
Mordecai smiles. "I'd like that. I could wear one of the nice robes, if you think it's safe there."
"It is safe," Colson assures the priest, a grin breaking out on his face. "One of the 'nice' ones?" He asks, not at all convincingly innocent, but perhaps he isn't particularly trying.
Mordecai sits up straighter, clearing his throat. "Maybe the light blue one I wore to the wedding?"
Colson laughs quietly, and looks over at Mordecai, his eyes warm. "It is perhaps very good I have already seen the Exodar, then. I doubt I will recall a single thing of it, should you do so. Simply a hundred small memories of you," he says.
Mordecai, flustered, goes, "That's a good thing, right?"
"I can think of few things better," Colson replies honestly.
Mordecai starts to lean into kissing range, then seems to remember that Colson is in the middle of cleaning his armor and pulls back a little. "Love you," he says quietly, a little shy.
Colson's eyes linger on Mordecai's lips for a beat before he deliberately tries to return them to his task that his hands seem to be continuing automatically. "I love you," he echoes. He picks up some speed to finish this armor.
Mordecai waits with some faint restlessness for Colson to finish, although he remains glued to Colson's side the whole time.
Colson finishes the last piece with an almost exacting level of Correctness, without any effort of going above and beyond, and the moment he's done turns his head to Mordecai, leaning in close for a kiss. "Finished."
Mordecai, who might have been busy daydreaming and not paying attention, sits up straighter and blinks several times at Colson. "All done?"
"Yes," Colson says, smiling faintly.
Mordecai smiles back automatically. "Now what?"
Colson tilts his head a little, as he reaches out a hand and then stops. "Ah, well." He clears his throat and rises to a graceful stand. "Now I wash my hands," he says and it sounds like he's saying it more to himself than anyone else.
Mordecai makes a faint amused noise and gets up, stretching.
Colson makes his way to the kitchen sink, washing his hands with cold water in brisk motions, spending extra care around his nails before he turns off the sink and dries his hands carefully on a towel. "There."
Mordecai trails after him with a fond smile. "Do they let anyone visit the Exodar?"
Colson turns away from the sink to lean back against it slightly. "They are very welcoming, yes. It is a little more involved to meet with the naaru, but I have arranged it before. It is not too much trouble. They recognize the Silver Hand as a legitimate order." A flicker of something, a touch of holy anger in his eyes. "Unlike some others."
Mordecai steps in closer, reaching for Colson's hand. "You fought Blood Knights today?"
Colson's jaw clenches briefly before he relaxes it, as he takes Mordecai's hand. He gestures with his other in an elegant sort of wave. "Yes. One of them had a holy libram of ours." Colson's voice is tight with a righteous anger. "It is in my possession now."
Mordecai squeezes Colson's hand once and asks, "May I see it?"
Colson nods. "Of course," he says, and makes his way to his bags on the desk.
Mordecai accompanies him, not letting go of Colson's hand.
Colson reaches for the Mooncloth bag and removes the [Libram of the Lightbringer]. It has a symbol of Uther the Lightbringer on it, and it was clearly a libram of the Silver Hand. Colson hands it over to Mordecai without hesitation.
Mordecai takes it with a faintly curious expression that immediately goes distant as he opens the book. He looks down at it like he's not really seeing it.
The sense of Holy Energy is palpable in the book, a strengthening of the healing side of the Light.
Colson searches Mordecai's expression carefully.
Mordecai looks unhappy - maybe a little afraid. He says in a soft, uncertain voice, "Can you hear me?"
Colson immediately reaches forward, covering Mordecai's hand with his own. "Mordecai?" He asks, and Colson sounds very worried, edging into panic.
Mordecai is holding on very, very tightly to the libram. "Colson?" He doesn't look at Colson. "It's so loud."
The [Hand of Protection] goes out in the space of a breath as Colson's hands go hot and bright with the Light. "Let go, love. Mordecai. Look at me." There's a tightness to Colson's voice, the tone almost a command.
Mordecai's hands twitch. He inhales sharply and drops the libram, blinking rapidly at Colson.
Colson exhales slowly, covering Mordecai's hands with his own, the libram ignored entirely. "I have you. Mordecai? Is it M'uru again? Can you still hear him?"
The book hits the floor, fortunately missing both of their feet. Mordecai nods to Colson. He seems to be struggling to focus his eyes. "Mmhm."
Colson pulls Mordecai's hands to his chest, his expression genuine panic and distress, as Colson casts [Beacon of Light] and in the same heartbeat starts to sing "Glorious," his voice sounding louder in the room, something in his voice that isn't usually there, as though there is power in the words.
Mordecai's heart rate has picked up significantly, even surrounded by the Hand of Protection. He clutches at Colson's shirt with both hands, and over the next couple seconds, Mordecai seems to focus in on Colson's face. "He doesn't hate them."
Colson halts mid-word as Mordecai focuses, leaning in closer. "Are you alright?"
Mordecai nods. "Yes, I-I think so." He slowly relaxes his grip and bends down to pick up the libram.
Colson exhales slowly, and starts for the libram at the same time, halting in time before he and Mordecai collide.
Mordecai picks it up very carefully and brushes it off. "Thank you." The Hand of Protection has faded, but the Beacon of Light is still active.
Colson takes the book without looking and sets it on the desk, his attention entirely on Mordecai. "Forgive me. I did not think this would…connect you to him." Colson sounds guilty, a mix of [Paladin Guilt] and [Husband Guilt] all at once.
Mordecai presses both hands over his own heart, takes a deep breath, and exhales slowly. "Colson. Love, I'm fine."
Colson steps closer, eyes searching Mordecai almost as though he's looking for a wound Colson can't see. It takes a moment for Colson to nod. "I believe you," he says, but the distress on his brow doesn't fade.
Mordecai is looking at Colson like he's the only thing in the room worth paying any attention to, now that the libram has been set aside. "Can't concentrate on anything," he says, leaning closer.
Colson nods slowly. "What do you need?" He asks, and there's a helpless sound in his voice.
"Yes," Mordecai says to what was definitely not a yes or no question, and leans in for a kiss.
Colson returns it with a desperation, his hands coming up to cup either side of Mordecai's face, Colson's hands warm and bright with banked Light.
For the next thirty seconds or so, Mordecai kisses Colson back like he's got a limited time to try and communicate something through the kiss. As the Beacon of Light times out, Mordecai seems to relax somewhat, and he slows down.
Colson makes a soft sound as the kiss slows, and he takes a step backwards towards the bed, having very possibly forgotten any and all circumstances that began this situation.
Mordecai follows right after him, trying to keep the space between the two of them as minimal as possible. No space at all would be ideal.
That sounds like the correct space to Colson.
==Time Passes==
"'lson," Mordecai mumbles. He seems incredibly comfortable and content.
Colson's smile blooms and inches into the grin range. "Yes?"
"D'you get… what I'm feeling? From the Beacon?"
Colson makes a 'hm?' sound and then, "Ah. I feel…you on the other side of it. I feel…all of you, as though you are in my soul, connected to me fully. I do not know that I can…distinguish anything entirely beyond that." Colson moves his right shoulder in a suggestion of a shrug. "It's indescribably wonderful," he says softly.
"Mmm…" Mordecai rests a hand flat over Colson's heart. "It's… don't know if I've got words either. 's more than that though."
Colson makes an inquisitive noise. At Mordecai's touch, the paladin's pulse picks up, beating harder and a little faster, and Colson cover's Mordecai's hand with his own.
"It's not like reading your mind, but I can feel… how you feel about me. In that moment. You were so worried." Mordecai bites his lip, studying Colson's expression.
"Yes," Colson agrees. "I do not know what it means, this connection you have with the naaru, and I do not know how to protect you from it, if it is something that might harm you. The naaru can cause true harm when they turn Void, love. One asked to be cast into space, so as to not harm the Draenei aboard the Exodar, out of knowledge of how damaging it would be. And M'uru could be slipping into the Void, and all that is connected to him may be dragged under."
"You didn't hear him through me, though. Right?" Mordecai kisses Colson's shoulder. "Just me?"
Colson nods in confirmation. "I could not hear anything else."
"That's a relief," Mordecai mutters. "At least that… won't be a problem." He props himself up on his left arm so he can see Colson's face a little better.
Colson looks seriously back at Mordecai, his eyes apologetic. "If it does take you, I would rather it would take me with you," Colson says softly. He drops his eyes. "If he might take you away from me, I will do anything I must to stop that from happening, Mordecai. Anything," Colson repeats, raising his eyes to Mordecai's, absolute conviction in his eyes.
"The Hand of Protection blocked out the sound almost entirely. That was a good call." Mordecai kisses Colson's cheek. "I don't know if M'uru is close enough to me to harm me. It feels like he's very far away."
"If it is accurate, it seems as though M'uru is in Silvermoon. I cannot be sure of the accuracy, but it appears to be the most likely. That he can reach you at all though, is…I do not know what that means, or what will happen if the worst occurs."
Mordecai sighs. "I know why you're worried. I don't think I'll be… dragged down with him. I don't think so."
Colson brushes his thumb in a soft circle on Mordecai's hand. "It is simply even the possibility that terrifies me," Colson says, in that even, mild voice of his.
Mordecai nods. "I understand. The Hand of Protection did help. It made a very big difference."
Colson nods, and there's a flicker of something in his face, as he drops his eyes. "I would give anything to protect you, if it came to that," Colson says, his voice very quiet. "My life included."
Mordecai nods and leans down for a kiss. "I know."
Colson closes his eyes and leans forward into the kiss, attempting to convey something in it before he pulls away, setting his head back on the pillow. "In the meantime, we keep you from anything that 'order' has corrupted," Colson says.
"M'uru doesn't hate them," Mordecai says softly. "I don't know what that means."
Colson exhales slowly, shaking his head slightly. "They speak of it, when we become paladins — how to stand there in the Light and accept that blessing, how to let it in even when doubt floods us, of how to believe that we are worthy of that grace. There is no way to fool the Light. You cannot lie to it, cannot convince it with words. It sees through you. It knows exactly how unworthy you are, and yet it offers that grace regardless. That is the true secret of it. That is what makes it 'grace.' It does not 'forgive' us. There is no forgiveness at all. Always, simply that grace." Colson clenches his jaw tight and relaxes it a moment later. "All of us are children of that Light, and some of us will always be closer to it than others, able to forgive and offer grace where another could not."
Mordecai nods slowly. He looks like he's considering this, but he goes quiet for a little while, his hand over Colson's heart beginning to trace the path of the scar up and over his shoulder.
Colson moves his hand off Mordecai's at the motion, settling his hand on his abdomen.
"I don't think the Beacon of Light helped with the problem you were trying to solve," Mordecai says, after over a full minute of thought.
Colson makes a soft sound. "I wanted to see if I could help you find me again," Colson says softly. "Through the noise. It did not work?"
"Oh. Ah… I heard you when you first spoke to me." Mordecai settles back down next to Colson. "And the Hand of Protection drowned out most of the noise. I. Ah. It, I mean, I suppose it did work." Mordecai flushes and clears his throat.
Colson leans closer, his eyes tracing the blush with a faint smile. "Oh?"
Mordecai presses his face against Colson's shoulder and says something in too quiet of a mumble to be understood.
"What?" Colson asks, looking down at Mordecai.
Mordecai says in a slightly louder mumble, "Feels so fucking good. Every time. Glad that's just… for me, and not the others."
Colson grins and turns to press a kiss to Mordecai's hair. "As am I," he says, sincerely.
Mordecai makes an embarrassed sort of noise. "The Beacon's kind of overkill for… most situations. Unless the response you're looking for is. That."
Colson makes a 'hmmm' sound. "Will that be a problem in the field? If I use it then," Colson asks, his voice lightly curious.
"It wasn't a problem when you used it the first time, so…" Mordecai peeks up at Colson. His face is still red. "If there's actual danger, um. I should be. Fine."
Colson nods slowly. He looks down and smiles as Mordecai peeks at him. "Do you want me to avoid using it?" There is genuine question in his tone, nothing more that indicates that Colson won't as readily accept a no as a yes.
Mordecai shakes his head and says, "No," immediately, without a second's hesitation.
Colson reaches over to attempt to tuck a chaos curl behind Mordecai's ear. It is a lesson in futility. "Very well then," Colson agrees. "In the field in emergencies, and outside of that, only if I expect it would be appropriate for things to end up here."
Mordecai still looks very flustered. He nods. "It's like… what's an example of something that's the good kind of overwhelming?"
"Ah, well. Ordinarily I would say 'the divine,' but…well. I am mostly thinking of my initiation ceremony when someone says something of that nature."
Mordecai hums thoughtfully. "Multiply that feeling by five."
"That would be…hm." Colson kisses the top of Mordecai's head. "I would not want to feel that, I think, even if it was good."
"Oh. Hm. I suppose I don't actually know how your initiation ceremony felt, so 'five' is absolutely a wild guess on my part." Mordecai smiles sheepishly.
Colson hesitates and his eyes unfocus a little in memory. "I felt as though the Light burned me up entirely. Every part of me, washed away, and then it rebuilt me once more, forming me exactly as I was. But I felt it in that moment, what it would be like to let the Light destroy me, utterly, and that knowledge of how I could do so once again remains." Colson refocuses back on Mordecai. "I would never trade the experience for anything, but it was…intense, beyond anything I had ever felt, to be so fully seen and filled with the Light in that way."
"Not the best comparison, then," Mordecai decides. "Definitely doesn't feel like that at all."
Colson smiles faintly. He attempts to gently twist the curl around his finger, and in this the curl cooperates. It will curl around Colson, this is fine.
"It's more like… it feels like love feels like. Like knowing that I-I'm loved, and I'm… important. Knowing, really knowing that, and feeling the belief of that so strongly that I can't disagree."
"If all I ever did with this power is show you that, I would consider it one of the greatest successes of anything I have ever done as a paladin," Colson says gently.
"I wish I could do that for you, too," Mordecai says, his voice very soft. "The best I've got is…" He traces the Fear Ward over Colson's heart.
Colson closes his eyes as the ward hits, making a soft, low sound. He opens his eyes slowly as he shakes his head. "You do. It is not this, though. I feel it always, every time you look at me, in every kiss, in every touch," Colson says, brushing the tips of his fingers along Mordecai's cheek.
"Really?" Mordecai sounds hopeful. He looks at Colson with something like wonder.
"Yes." Colson traces a line from Mordecai's cheek to his jaw, and then skips over Mordecai's neck to his shoulder, where Colson slowly traces a word. "I feel loved, always. Undeniably, unreservedly."
Mordecai looks down and tries to read it upside-down.
Colson is very slowly writing in his fanciest calligraphy handwriting the word 'love' on Mordecai's skin, using a freckle to start the curve of the first letter.
"You are," Mordecai says. He smiles, waiting for the word to finish, and then reaches for Colson's hand.
"I know," Colson replies, and there's audible happiness in his voice.
Mordecai pulls Colson's hand to the side of his own neck. There's no flinch at all this time, and Mordecai breaks into a bright smile.
Colson holds very still, as though by doing so he can perhaps prolong the moment. He smiles softly back at Mordecai.
"I'm all right," Mordecai says, barely louder than a whisper. "It gets easier every time."
Colson very slowly nods, the way someone moves when they have turned around and realized a wild animal has ventured very close and they are trying not to startle it away.
"What are you thinking?" Mordecai asks, still smiling at Colson.
"I am thinking how you are one of the bravest men I have ever known, and how privileged I am to know you as I do," Colson says, and then his smile goes a little lopsided into a half-smile. "And I am thinking how if perhaps I do not move, I can touch you like this a little longer, an extra moment, without fear or pain."
Mordecai blushes very predictably at being called brave. "You can move, if you want," Mordecai says, shy. "I'm not afraid of you. This doesn't hurt."
Colson inhales slowly, and very slowly moves his fingers in gentle stroking motion along Mordecai's neck. Colson's eyes are on Mordecai's face, watching for any change at all.
Mordecai shivers and closes his eyes. "'malright."
With that same careful speed, Colson continues brushing a slow path along the side of Mordecai's neck, the light calluses of his left hand more obvious as he lets his palm touch Mordecai's skin. Colson swallows hard, but keeps his touch soft.
"Doesn't hurt," Mordecai says quietly. "I know it's you. It's nice." He peeks at Colson's expression.
Colson's expression looks almost as though he's drowsy, but it is a familiar expression to Mordecai — as is the longing in the paladin's eyes. Colson traces a word. It seems to have five letters.
"Yours," Colson says, out loud, before Mordecai can even ask what the word is, his voice lower and rougher.
Mordecai smiles. "I want to get used to this. I don't… feel like it's particularly brave of me, but I do want to get used to it."
Colson makes a soft sound as he leans forward, brushing his knuckles gently across the skin there. "If I told you I had drowned repeatedly in a pond, and that I feared water closing over my head, even shallow water, would you not think me brave to watch me wade once more into it? What is greater courage than to face our fears, not with answering violence but with healing and warmth?"
Mordecai is now holding very still, like maybe Colson is the butterfly. "I can't argue with that."
Colson looks from each of Mordecai's eyes, and hesitates. There's a question there in Colson's eyes, but it takes a long moment before the paladin asks, "May I kiss your neck?" in that tone, so familiar now, that invites an easy no without consequences.
Mordecai blinks. "I don't know. Um. I - you can try, and I'll tell you if it's all right or not, as long as you won't be upset if the answer is still 'no'?"
"I could never be upset with you," Colson says gently. "Least of all for this. If you are not ready, or if you never wish for it, I will not be upset, darling, not with you, and not with me."
Mordecai nods a tiny bit. He looks almost like he's bracing himself for something. "Try it."
Colson inhales and moves his hand off Mordecai's neck as he shifts to roll partially over Mordecai, looking down at him a long moment before Colson lowers his head to press a kiss to…the outer part of Mordecai's shoulder.
Mordecai smiles faintly up at Colson, turning his head to watch. He seems to relax a little, and he reaches up and brushes some of Colson's hair back behind his ear.
Moving in very slow motions, inch by inch, Colson kisses a soft line across Mordecai's collarbone, until he reaches the base of Mordecai's neck, and then with infinite gentleness, presses a kiss to the side of his neck just above the last kiss.
Mordecai flinches. He makes a faint, dismayed noise at his own involuntary reaction. "Damn it," he says almost under his breath. "I thought maybe…"
Colson moves slowly up to press a kiss to Mordecai's cheek. "Are you alright?"
"Mmhm. Just frustrated." Mordecai pulls Colson in for a proper kiss.
Colson goes very willingly, kissing Mordecai slowly.
Mordecai seems perfectly comfortable and at ease again. He brushes Colson's hair out of his face and smiles up at him. "It was worth a try," he says, the frustration gone from his tone. "The answer's still no, I'm afraid."
Colson nods slowly. He seems fine with this, as he smiles gently. "It is alright," he says. "If you wish to try again another time, will you ask?"
"Mmhm." Mordecai kisses Colson's cheek. "I'll ask. Maybe every few weeks."
Colson balances on one arm, the muscles in it flexing with the motion, as he lifts his other to brush his knuckles against Mordecai's cheek. "I am proud of you," Colson says softly. "Always." He drops his eyes for a moment before he blinks his gaze back to Mordecai's. "Even when I do not know I should be. I had not realized what thoughts you may be struggling with, that I cannot see. And yet, all this time, had I known, I would have been proud of you, every morning, even more than I already am."
Mordecai smiles, shy. "You changed my life, Colson. You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"
"Yes." Colson tilts his head slightly. "As may you. I will not get upset with you, love. You may speak to me of anything, and I will still love you, unconditionally. I may not…be pleased with myself, for having missed something, but you are not the cause of that."
"You just said… thoughts I was struggling with that you couldn't see. Is there anything like that for you?" Mordecai tilts his head the other way, blinking up at Colson.
Colson pauses as though considering. "There will be times when I do not speak a thought immediately, as you know. When I may, I prefer to take my time to consider a thought. But, no. All my burdens that sit heavy upon me I share with you, and you lighten them," Colson says softly, placing his hand back down on the bed near Mordecai's shoulder as Colson looks down at him.
Mordecai seems pleased with this answer. He smiles back. "Of course. Oh, and Colson."
Colson's brows raise. "Yes?" He asks, as earnestly as ever, as though it's entirely possible Mordecai has just remembered something important.
Mordecai grins. "I love you."
Colson laughs quietly as he shakes his head a little, leaning down with warmth in his eyes. "I love you," he whispers back.