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| Details |
| Author: | OzmaAsimov |
| Summary: | At the Blue Recluse, Paluuva and Icaros meet again for the first time in ten-thousand years. |
| Rating: | T for Teen |
Chain: Exes and Woes
Icaros approaches the table and looms awkwardly.
Paluuva sits patiently, an open book in her hands. Her attention followed the dark figure as it approached, and now she peers up warily as he stands at her table.
[Icaros]: Good fortune.
Icaros speaks the standard draenei greeting by rote, clearly, and seems unaware of the irony.
[Paluuva]: I know your armor, Knight of the Ebon Blade. What do you want from me?
[Icaros]: I am Icaros. This is where your intermediary said to meet.
Paluuva visibly seizes, frozen in place with eyes wide in shock.
Paluuva whispered hoarsely, "No…"
Icaros waits it out.
Paluuva slowly rises from her seat, her eyes never leaving the black-armored knight.
[Paluuva]: Remove your hood…
Icaros bows before Paluuva, removes his hood, and tucks it under his arm.
Icaros is somewhat more gaunt than he was, and, you know, dead. But clearly recognizable. He was not dead long.
Paluuva inhales in a sudden, shuddering breath, but otherwise maintains her poise.
[Paluuva]: Icaros…when you told me you died…
Paluuva sighs.
Icaros waits for the end of the sentence.
[Paluuva]: …I did not imagine this was the result. The Light has returned many heroes who have passed through the veil of death. Why did you not tell me that you are-…
Paluuva pauses, considering her words.
[Paluuva]: …a death knight.
[Icaros]: I have not had enough time to consider the best way of phrasing such a thing.
[Icaros]: I thought it could be inferred, but you raise a valid point.
Paluuva frowns.
[Paluuva]: Well…I see that undeath has not altered your consideration for the consequences of your inaction.
[Icaros]: I hardly would hardly refer to writing you a letter in which I informed you that I had died as inaction. I merely failed to take into account your assumptions.
[Paluuva]: Oh, do forgive me for improperly describing your failure to express the most consequential piece of information about your present situation. Please, let us focus on that piece of minutiae rather than the more salient matter.
[Icaros]: What would you have me do?
Paluuva pinches the bridge of her nose as she sighs in growing aggravation, her legendary composure so easily crumbling in the presence of this man.
[Paluuva]: I would have you never ask me that…ever again.
Icaros nods, making a mental note.
Paluuva groans.
[Paluuva]: I know you are going to take that so literally rather than the spirit of what I am saying.
[Icaros]: I take it that your answer is no, then? To my query.
[Icaros]: I did not intend to waste your time.
Paluuva frowns and points sharply to the farthest chair at the table.
[Paluuva]: Sit.
Icaros does so.
Paluuva takes the seat opposite him, sitting up straight in a deliberately strict and stern pose.
[Icaros]: If you have questions, I will answer them as best I can. But I request that you do not expect keen social insights from me, as that was never my forte at my best, and I am, as you can see, not at my best.
[Paluuva]: No, I would never expect that from you.
[Icaros]: I never intended to cause you distress, and that is not my intention now. I would simply like to put what is left of me to good use.
[Paluuva]: Why arcane inscription, specifically?
[Icaros]: An astute question. I have been experimenting, largely in vain, to see which of my former arcane skills I could still practice. I had all but given up until I tried this long-forgotten skill and found some limited success. However, I had never studied it at a very advanced level, and so even if my memory were flawless, I would not be able to do much beyond the basics.
[Paluuva]: Curious. Do you miss your arcane magic? Is this some kind of nostalgia? Or something more practical?
Icaros considers the question for a long while.
[Icaros]: I suppose you could say I miss it, in a sense. It feels… missing from me.
[Icaros]: When I pursue arcane subjects, I feel more… integrated. More myself, you might say.
[Paluuva]: Now that is intriguing. You say it feels missing. It sounds as if you are describing an emotional void of some kind. That surprises me…both coming from you and from a death knight. But…I suppose your magic was always very strongly a part of your identity.
[Icaros]: I would caution you against projecting emotions into anything I say. Now more than ever.
[Paluuva]: I understand. I am trying to use language to suggest how it sounds, rather than projecting. I want to see how you respond to the suggestion.
[Icaros]: Not every void is emotional. I would say that I feel a void, but it is perhaps more akin to reaching for a knife and finding that your arm is not there.
[Icaros]: You would feel an immediate desire to have that part of you returned, yes? Even if it did not reach anywhere near the realm of sentimentality.
[Paluuva]: Ahhh. Perhaps a metaphysical analog to a kinaesthetic sense of something missing, then.
[Icaros]: Yes.
Paluuva flips a few pages in the book she had left on the table, taking up a quill and jotting down some notes.
[Icaros]: Since I must apparently carry on existing, I would prefer to have at least some fulfilling activities to engage in.
[Paluuva]: So you have lost access to your ability to manipulate arcane powers directly in your present state of being. But inscription is not direct manipulation…so it does follow that you could still make use of it.
[Icaros]: That is an accurate summation, yes.
[Icaros]: And yet it is still intellectually challenging in a similar way, and much of what I have learned does not go to waste.
[Icaros]: I believe that I would learn rapidly, as I am already very familiar with the structure of spells on a theoretical level.
[Icaros]: In fact for many thousands of years I could only study the arcane in theory.
[Icaros]: I suppose logically speaking it is better that I had the chance to cast spells at all again, however briefly. As that was not guaranteed.
Paluuva nods pensively, pursing her lips.
[Icaros]: I can still call on frost magic to an extent, but it does not appear to be… precisely the same.
[Paluuva]: Icaros…I have an important line of inquiry.
[Icaros]: Go ahead.
[Paluuva]: I am given to understand that death knights possess, for lack of a better descriptor, a "hunger" to inflict pain and suffering. Is this accurate?
[Icaros]: Yes.
Paluuva winces a little.
[Paluuva]: Can you expand on that?
[Icaros]: You described it very accurately and succinctly. I am not certain how it would benefit from expansion. Is there something about it that is unclear?
[Icaros]: Your use of the term "hunger" obviates the need for further clarification.
[Paluuva]: There are many questions left unanswered. How often do you feel it? How much pain must you inflict to satisfy it? Must it be inflicted on sapient beings? What happens if you do not satisfy it?
[Icaros]: I cannot speak for others of my kind, but I must inflict suffering on a being capable of suffering at least daily, or suffer extreme discomfort. The more suffering the being is capable of feeling, the more sated I am and the more time until the pangs trouble me again.
[Icaros]: So, causing pain to a sapient being is more "filling," to continue the metaphor, than causing pain to, for example, a mouse. Less so, a worm.
[Paluuva]: Knowing you, I would imagine you have quantified these feelings by now. Is there a discernable pattern you have discovered yet, in terms of duration or intensity of pain to the time you can go without sating yourself?
[Icaros]: I do not find that drawing out the suffering is a particularly significant variable in my case. A painful and violent but relatively quick death suffices, at least for my needs.
[Icaros]: It is akin to lingering over a meal. I am told it brings others of my kind a similar pleasure, but I am not seeking pleasure.
[Paluuva]: Is death always a necessary end?
[Icaros]: For me, yes. To simply torture someone and walk away would leave me, as you say, still "hungry."
[Paluuva]: I see. You say for you. Have you found this is not true of all death knights?
[Icaros]: I have found them strangely unwilling to engage in protracted conversations on the matter.
[Paluuva]: I suppose that is not entirely unexpected.
[Icaros]: So I simply emphasize that what I say applies only, provably, to myself.
[Paluuva]: Finally…have you found that there are any activities or distractions that help you to quell this need to inflict suffering?
[Icaros]: No more than you can distract yourself from your need to eat food. Temporarily, partially, perhaps. But not fully.
[Paluuva]: I am sure you remember that my own intellectual pursuits quite often distracted me from my need for nourishment. Not that it was healthy, but it did effectively quell my hunger, so to speak.
[Icaros]: Yes, I find the same is true in this case. But I try not to let that happen very often.
[Icaros]: As with hunger for food, if it is neglected too long, it becomes more intense, and my faculties of impulse control and judgment diminish exponentially.
[Icaros]: If you have ever awakened from an absorbing protracted study session and found yourself wolfing down food that had gone bad, only to regret it afterward, perhaps you understand something of what I mean.
Paluuva nods, frowning.
[Paluuva]: At the very least, I could hope that having intellectual pursuits might prevent this hunger from overtaking you or turning to addiction.
[Icaros]: I could not become addicted to killing any more than you could become addicted to food. I am already utterly dependent upon it.
[Paluuva]: You think it impossible to become addicted to food? I would very much argue the point.
[Icaros]: I suppose overfeeding is possible in either case. Gluttony of a sort.
[Paluuva]: Precisely so.
[Icaros]: That has never been a problem for me.
[Icaros]: I have always fed precisely as much as I have needed to, no more, no less.
[Paluuva]: But you have always had your intellectual pursuits. Your arcane studies.
[Icaros]: Yes, but that was no more related to my eating habits than it currently is to my killing habits.
[Paluuva]: I find that debatable as well. Regardless, there is another side to my concern: giving more power to someone possessing a hunger like this.
[Icaros]: I already have enough power that, were I terrifying, you should already be terrified.
[Icaros]: There is nothing you could teach me that would make me more powerful than the Lich King already did for his own purposes, which I have, I remind you, thwarted.
[Paluuva]: More power is still more power. Yet, I also see the counterpoint; you are already studying this with or without me.
[Icaros]: That and much more dangerous skills.
[Icaros]: Every day, with or without your help, I become more effective at inflicting death and suffering.
[Icaros]: The Ebon Blade trains well.
[Paluuva]: The fact that you seem to dismiss the power and potential danger of the written word so easily shows me how very much you are in need of instruction.
[Icaros]: I do not dismiss the written word. You simply do not fully understand the power of a death knight.
[Icaros]: I do not say that to belittle you, only to assure you that I am not making light of what you do.
[Icaros]: When I say there is nothing you could teach me that could make me more dangerous than the Ebon Blade already intends to, I am simply saying that there is virtually no limit to the damage I might cause even without your assistance.
[Paluuva]: Undoubtedly, I do not. But it seems to me that you are talking about direct, destructive power. I am speaking another kind of power entirely. Both can wreak havoc if used incorrectly, and together would surely be even more dangerous.
[Paluuva]: So, it seems to me that we have things to teach each other. I propose an arrangement.
[Paluuva]: I will instruct you in the art, and you will teach me about your new order and the experience of being a death knight, from an academic point of view.
[Icaros]: I can do more than that. I can even teach you enough about the specific abilities granted to my kind that you can invent ways to enhance or alter them via inscription.
Paluuva nods, even smirking a little.
[Paluuva]: There, even you begin to see how these powers together can become even more destructive and dangerous.
Paluuva lets out a hearty chuckle.
[Icaros]: Destruction can, at times, be constructive.
[Icaros]: That is the very idea behind the Ebon Blade.
[Paluuva]: I suppose there is logic in that. Certainly, that is the theory behind most war…or at least its justification.
[Icaros]: And yet most soldiers must be taught to endure killing, push themselves out of their natural psychological shape.
Paluuva sighs, nodding sadly.
[Icaros]: There is a job that must be done, and a group of people who must do that job to survive.
[Icaros]: To me, it seems tremendously convenient.
Paluuva tilts her head.
[Paluuva]: Convenient? I'm sorry, I do not follow.
[Icaros]: If the world could be saved by eating fresh salad, killers would be unnecessary.
[Icaros]: As there are already many who crave just such a thing.
Paluuva pinches her lips to stifle the urge to laugh at his certainly-not-intentionally-funny analogy.
[Icaros]: But as it is, we live in a world that must be saved through violence. I think it is convenient that there are now at least some for whom violence is necessary.
[Icaros]: And even desired.
[Paluuva]: Oh! I see what you mean. The Ebon Blade is convenient to have now.
[Icaros]: Yes.
Paluuva muses over this for a few moments.
[Icaros]: Turn us loose on the enemy, and solve two problems at once. Very efficient.
[Paluuva]: I believe that may be an oversimplification of the issue. But I do see your fundamental point. It is worth consideration.
[Icaros]: The oversimplification lies in the fact that every death knight is an individual.
[Icaros]: And not all have the clarity of mind that I have always possessed.
[Icaros]: Just as some might, if hungry enough, steal food from a child, there are some death knights who lose the ability to choose appropriate targets when the need is strong.
[Icaros]: Lack of self-control or restraint has never been one of my character flaws.
[Paluuva]: Yes, exactly. There are many concerns. Could the Lich King reassert control? Will the death knights' hunger eventually turn them against their allies? Is the Ebon Blade genuinely on our side in the first place, or is this all a ruse of the Scourge?
[Icaros]: The Lich King cannot reassert control, no. That tie is permanently severed.
[Icaros]: Hunger could turn some death knights against their allies, but it would not do so for me.
[Icaros]: And the Ebon Blade is no Scourge ruse. Though I suppose you have no reason to take my word. I can only state the truth, not force you to hear it.
[Paluuva]: Were it only so that all death knights had your temperament.
[Icaros]: Were it only so. What were character flaws in life serve me well in death.
[Icaros]: For every time you were angry at me for not letting my passions drive me to action, in the future there will be a time you are thankful for the same.
Paluuva sighs.
[Paluuva]: Perhaps.
[Paluuva]: Let us not dwell on that.
[Icaros]: For what it is worth, I wish I could have made better use of my passions when they might have done you good. But what is past is past.
Paluuva nods solemnly.
[Icaros]: Perhaps my enthusiasm for study can still be of use to you.
[Icaros]: I am not unaware of the debt I owe to you.
Paluuva leans back in her chair, brow furrowing.
[Paluuva]: Debt….
[Icaros]: What would you call it, when one person gives to another something of value that is not repaid?
[Paluuva]: Icaros…I may have been angry with you. But I never felt you owed me anything after we separated. What debt?
Icaros considers, his own brow furrowing. Furrowing further, I guess. It's got all kinds of furrows in it at the best of times.
[Icaros]: I do not know of a better way to phrase it. You gave to me, I did not give back, and this creates a feeling of debt.
[Paluuva]: I see.
[Icaros]: That which kept me from feeling indebted while I lived was stripped from me when I was made what I am now.
[Paluuva]: After we parted, I spent a long time examining myself and searching for…whatever was missing in our relationship.
[Icaros]: Did you come to a conclusion?
[Paluuva]: Yes. It took a few centuries, but I finally concluded that you gave me not just what you were capable of…but what I asked for. You left me alone to work…and I worked a lot. I suppose I just expected you to always know when I wanted you to be there for me.
[Paluuva]: I did not like that I needed to ask. I was young and foolish.
[Icaros]: The same thing that kept me from feeling indebted was the same thing that kept you from asking for my presence and attention. I would not, however, recommend removing it in the same way I did.
[Paluuva]: No…I have no intention of joining the undead.
[Icaros]: I suppose it is not my undead state in and of itself that removed my pride - I know many prideful undead. It is the process by which it occurred. A man cannot remember being a puppet and retain even the slightest shred of pride.
[Paluuva]: Hmm. I see. I am sorry you had to suffer through that. That is awful.
[Icaros]: I do not know for how long exactly the Lich King held my strings, but I have not been granted the mercy of forgetting it. Of being aware, for every moment of my continued existence, how powerless I am capable of becoming.
[Icaros]: But being stripped of one's pride is strangely freeing. It is what allowed me to write to you.
Paluuva examines Icaros with a kind of uncertain curiosity.
[Paluuva]: Well…in any case, I do not feel you owe me anything.
[Icaros]: Your feelings, or lack thereof, do not settle my debt.
[Icaros]: I would like to make myself of use to you, and then I will feel more balanced.
[Paluuva]: Icaros, I do not want you to try to repay some debt. You will be of use to me by teaching me about death knights. Let that be enough.
[Icaros]: I will be the one to say when I am satisfied.
Paluuva frowns.
[Icaros]: My existence now is largely about finding ways to ameliorate various discomforts. You are not in a position to tell me when I have done enough to balance myself.
[Paluuva]: Light…this is so like you.
[Paluuva]: Everything is about you. You are incapable of considering how your actions affect others.
[Icaros]: That is simply untrue.
[Icaros]: But yes, my life… my existence… is about me. Who else should it be about?
[Paluuva]: When you have wronged someone, setting things right is not a matter of 'paying a debt'. It is about mending what is broken. That does not start with you; it starts with the person you hurt.
[Icaros]: I cannot mend you. My reach does not extend into your mind. And speaking as one who knows how that feels, be glad of it.
[Icaros]: All I can do is attempt to be of service to you.
[Paluuva]: I did not ask you to mend me. But you can make some effort to mend the connection between us. It will likely never be what it was, but reforged metal is better than broken pieces.
[Icaros]: How do you propose this be done?
[Paluuva]: You could start with one thing you have never done in all the time I have known you. Something that was missing from both of your letters and this entire conversation. A genuine apology.
[Icaros]: Define a genuine apology.
Icaros seems genuinely, academically interested.
Paluuva pinches her lips, the muscles in her face tensing up. But she takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, folding her hands in her lap as she exhales.
Paluuva opens her eyes, composed, and speaks softly.
[Paluuva]: I am not your mother, nor your rudimentary teacher. I am not going to instruct you on how to apologize to me. Perhaps you should ask Icolos. He, at least, knew how to speak to me.
Icaros deflates slightly with obvious disappointment.
Paluuva rises from her seat, picking up her book and quill.
[Icaros]: If you should ever be willing to teach me, I will still be here, and willing to learn. In the meantime, I will do what I can on my own.
Paluuva frowns, clutching her book tightly.
[Paluuva]: We have an arrangement. I will honor it. But leave this supposed debt of yours out of it. Understood?
[Icaros]: That word will never leave my lips in your presence again, I promise.
Paluuva turns to go, pausing for a moment as if there were more to say. There is so much more to say. But she merely adds, "Dioniss aca," as she heads toward the exit.
Icaros just stares in the general direction of where she was sitting for a while.