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| Details |
| Author: | Disknight |
| Summary: | Celaven comes to Dolanaar to check up on Vel before she heads back to Outland with Blue Squad. |
| Rating: | M for Mature 17+ |
Velrin is in her room in Dolanaar, curled up in bed smothered in pillows and thick blankets.
A light knock comes at Velrin's door. Behind it is Celaven, carrying a fishing pole and a picnic basket.
Velrin pulls the covers over her head and kicks underneath her blankets, "Go away."
[Celaven]: Velrin? It's me.
[Celaven]: I… uh. I thought I'd come by. Maybe cheer you up?
Velrin makes a whining noise and kicks again. She peeks her head out for a second to make sure it's him. She makes a stink face when she sees him, "I said go away!" She slides back under her blanket, "I don't want you to see me like this…"
[Celaven]: If this is what you're like sometimes… then maybe I want to see all of you.
Velrin whines again and tosses under her blankets.
[Celaven]: If you're not well, maybe I can help?
[Velrin]: I said go away… *she says again weakly*
[Celaven]: If you truly want me to leave, I will. But if it's that you feel… if this is a pain that can be shared, I would share it with you. Or distract you from it. Fishing? Picnic?
Velrin peaks her head out again and sees the rod and basket. She whines once more. She shuffles about in bed until she's sitting up, wrapped up in blankets, wearing a particularly fluffy one as a sort of hood.
[Celaven]: Can I come in, then?
[Velrin]: Fine…
Celaven comes in and sits by the bed, looking up at Velrin. "Has something happened?"
Velrin looks away and pulls the blankets tighter around herself, "No…"
[Celaven]: Is it… old things coming up again?
[Velrin]: I… I don't know… maybe…
[Celaven]: I would've thought being in Azeroth for a while might help…
[Velrin]: Me too… *she sighs*
[Celaven]: I suppose it is a little hard for me to be back right now, too, for other reasons. *Celaven shifts forward, resting on hand on the side of the bed* I could also use the distraction, if you would come out with me.
Velrin pouts and sits for a moment, but finally musters up enough will to get out of bed. She is wearing a simple, thin gown and stretches.
Celaven stands. He's wearing his nice blue-and-white robe.
[Celaven]: I brought snacks, *he says hopefully* and a bit of wine. And fishing things.
Velrin yawns, "Turn around, I need to get changed."
Celaven raises one long eyebrow, but does as he's told.
Velrin slips off her gown and throws on a vest and shorts instead. As soon as she's all set, she taps him on the shoulder, "Ok. I'm ready."
[Celaven]: To the lake, then?
[Velrin]: Ok.
The two make their way out to a nice spot on the lake to set up their picnic.
[Celaven]: Is this that you're feeling… something better to share or to bury?
[Velrin]: I-I'm not sure…
[Velrin]: I'm sorry…
Celaven empties out the picnic basket. Inside there's a variety of dried fish, fruit, bread, and a small bottle of wine. He pulls out a few plates and utensils to share. "I know you may not be hungry, but it's here, if you want any of it."
Velrin picks up a small piece of fish and nibbles on it, "Thank you…"
Celaven looks out over the water, checking his fishing rod. "If you'd like to try to tell me how you feel…"
After a moment of silence, Velrin finally manages to put something to words, "I don't know… everything just feels so… empty and pointless…"
[Celaven]: Life does feel that way, sometimes. Maybe not to everyone, but I am not one of the lucky few, that way. *Celaven sighs, picking up a small piece of melon to eat* Do you remember the last thing that felt like it had meaning?
Velrin shrugs, "I don't know… I have just been doing what I can to help others. Whatever has been asked of me."
Celaven nods. "And you can see the long path laid out by the expectations of others, and the thought of just… continuing to follow it just seems pointlessly exhausting. Something like that, maybe?"
[Velrin]: I guess… *she slouches her shoulders and nibbles on her fish again* I just don't feel anything fighting the Scourge…
[Velrin]: The others in the squad… They fought with such vigor, but I… I felt nothing…
[Celaven]: One person can't be passionate about everything. *Celaven picks up a small fish* For them, I expect it feels personal. It is not personal for me, either.
[Velrin]: I guess…
[Celaven]: So it bothered you, that it was just another job? When you could see the meaning it held for others?
[Velrin]: Maybe? But… shouldn't I care? It's for the sake of Azeroth.
Celaven takes a small bite of fish, considering. "It is, but… that's such an abstract concept. For the sake of Azeroth. It is not the abstract that often touches people's hearts.—"
[Celaven]: When I heal, I feel healed with it. But it is not because I'm making the world a better place. It's each person, each face, each wound.
[Velrin]: I guess you are right… *she sighs* I'm so foolish…
[Celaven]: I wouldn't say you're foolish, Vel. *He reaches out one hand to touch her shoulder.* Just hurting.
Velrin brushes his hand off, "I suppose so…"
[Velrin]: But… what if I don't want to fight anymore?
[Celaven]: Then maybe fighting is not your path. *He pulls back his hand, folding it with the other.* There are other ways to serve Azeroth.
[Velrin]: I know, but… this is what I am best at… it would be a waste not to…
Velrin adds quietly, "I would be a waste…"
[Celaven]: Skill is not obligation. *Celaven looks down at his hands for a moment* And you are a person, not a skillset. A person who can grow, and change, and learn new things if she wants to.
Velrin sighs.
[Celaven]: I can tell that is what always made me feel empty, *he laces his fingers together* Doing what was expected of me, even if it felt… contrary to my nature.
[Velrin]: But this is my nature… This is all I have ever wanted… all I ever had…
[Velrin]: I don't…. I don't feel like I want anything anymore…
[Velrin]: I just want to disappear…
[Celaven]: There's not anything you want? *Celaven looks over at her.* A favorite food, a game you used to play?
Velrin sets her piece of fish down and turns away to face the lake.
[Celaven]: Fishing?
[Velrin]: I'm not really in the mood…
Velrin starts to tear up, "I-I'm sorry, Celaven…"
[Celaven]: None of this is your fault, love, *Celaven sighs, shifting over toward her.* "I just see you in pain, and I wish… I wish I knew a way to help."
[Velrin]: N-no. It is my fault. *a few tears roll down her face* I'm so stupid and useless and selfish! I dedicated my whole life to being a protector and now I can barely manage to get out of bed…
Velrin turns to Celaven, teary-eyed, "I'm a waste! I don't deserve you, I don't deserve my rank, and I-I… I don't deserve…" she trails off and weeps into her hands
Celaven flinches at her vehemence and his own eyes shine with the start of tears. "I would never have said such things about you."
Velrin manages a few more words in between sniffles, "Stop… please… I don't deserve your sympathy…"
[Celaven]: It's not sympathy, Velrin, *Celaven reaches one hand toward her, but doesn't touch her* This is me saying what I think is true. You are not a waste, you are a person. I am certain you have flaws, though they may be hard to see from my perspective.
[Celaven]: But that doesn't mean you don't deserve… any of this. None of us are perfect machines.
Velrin continues sobbing, but eases up just a little, "No… no, you don't get it…"
[Velrin]: You gave me everything I ever wanted… You mated with me… you held me close at night and kept me warm, brought me flowers…
[Velrin]: But I don't care… none of it matters, and I'm still MISERABLE! *she ends with a shout and launches a knife into the lake, spearing a fish that floats, dead, to the surface*
Celaven looks at the dead, floating fish for a long moment. "Then I am sorry, that I haven't been enough. Enough to make you happy."
Velrin exhales and flops over on her side, "No…" she says softly, "No, you don't get it…."
[Celaven]: I want to, *Celaven says, still sitting and looking out over the lake* You know I'm not really so… stoic. When I care about someone, I try to understand them. I try to be what they want from me. I can't, sometimes.
[Velrin]: You are what I want. I'm the problem… I'm just using you…
[Velrin]: You are so kind to me and all I ever want when you are around is to mate or be held…
[Velrin]: You deserve more than some washed up Sentinel who doesn't even care about who you really are… *she curls up and continues to cry*
[Celaven]: What if you're what I want? *Celaven looks over at her, still not moving to touch her* What if I like holding you, too? We haven't known each other so long, I thought we would learn one another as we went.
[Celaven]: If you don't want to, though, that is another thing.
Velrin continues to weep, her voice growing higher, "I don't know…"
[Velrin]: I don't know… I don't know… I don't know… *she whispers over and over again*
[Celaven]: You don't have to know, *Celaven says, settling back against the tree.* Not until you do. And I… I could stop trying to be what I think you want. If that helps. Even if that is part of being me.
Velrin's crying starts to subside, trailing off to the occasional sniffle. She lays there quietly, but doesn't tell Celaven to go.