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| Details |
| Author: | Athena |
| Summary: | It has been a rough week for the Aspenwood boys, as nightmares make sleeping increasingly difficult. Thursday evening, Colson puts a plan into motion to attempt to aid this crisis. By Saturday morning, things come to a head as feelings spill over and come to light. Romance relationship RP, read according to own preferences for entertainment. 7800-ish words. |
| Rating: | M for Mature 17+ |
Chain: Morson
Thursday Evening, in the inn in Telaar.
Colson is already in bed, legs stretched out comfortably, as he looks over his notebook again, a faint frown of thought on his face.
Mordecai exits the washroom. His teeth have been brushed. He rubs at his eyes as he makes his way over to the bed.
Colson looks up as Mordecai gets closer, and sets his notebook onto the side table without looking. His eyes go softer, as he opens his arm out in the customary gesture of Mordecai Spot.
Mordecai scrambles into his spot, smiling.
Colson reaches his left hand up to brush his knuckles against Mordecai's cheek, looking back and forth between each of Mordecai's eyes as though evaluating how tired Mordecai looks.
Mordecai looks exhausted but content. He has clearly been sleeping poorly this past week, and it shows. Almost on cue, Mordecai yawns, covering his mouth.
Colson's expression does that brief flicker, small hints of an expression that don't last long enough and aren't big enough to easily parse. He brushes his fingers gently along Mordecai's jawline. "Ready for sleep?" Colson asks, as though other options could possibly be on the table.
"Mmm… time is it?" Mordecai asks. The sleepy sort of mumbly tone is already starting to creep into his voice.
Colson reaches over to his nightstand, where his pocket watch lives for the evenings, and flips it open, reading off the time. It's not nearly as late as they might ordinarily go to sleep, but it's not early either.
"Mm…" Mordecai stretches to reach his nightstand. He turns the lamp on the little table off and the string of hanging crystals above their head on, in that order, before settling back against Colson's side.
Colson exhales slowly, and sets his cheek against Mordecai's hair. If anything odd or unusual is about to happen, there's no sign of it in the calm paladin.
"Light, I'm exhausted," Mordecai says quietly.
Colson goes even more still, and then pulls Mordecai in closer, wrapping himself around Mordecai. "I know," Colson agrees in a soft, quiet voice. There's that edge of guilt in his tone, but that's not unusual. "It has been getting worse, hasn't it?"
"The channeling… it's… a lot." Mordecai sighs. "The… yes."
Colson presses a kiss to Mordecai's hair, and there's something oddly stoic and steady in the paladin as though he's almost bracing for something. "You need your rest," Colson says gently.
"Mm. You too. 've you." Mordecai pulls the covers up, settling in comfortably to go to sleep - more on Colson's side of the bed than his own.
Colson says with a depth of feeling to the words, "I love you." And then the paladin finds a point on the wall to stare at, and although he has relaxed as much as he can, his eyes do not close, and his lips move soundlessly as he starts reciting the Tome of Valor.
Mordecai makes a couple of sleepy noises and dozes off almost immediately.
Colson does not go to sleep. He recites the Tome of Valor in full, and then immediately starts the Tome of Divinity. As the hours pass, Colson moves on from the Tomes to poetry and songs, his breathing slow and even.
Mordecai does not sleep well. He changes the side he's sleeping on multiple times during the first few hours of the night, but he seems to eventually settle into a deeper sleep as the night progresses. And then… There's a flare of Light from Mordecai's right hand, which belongs to the arm currently draped over Colson. Something begins to gather in the air just past his hand - the brief impression of golden shackles of Light, just for a moment; the type a priest would use to bind the undead. But Mordecai has no target, and within a split second the spell fades and Mordecai's eyes shoot open.
Colson is already moving to turn on the light on his nightstand with one arm, and pulling Mordecai into him with the other. "I'm here," Colson says, and his voice is rough-edged. "I am fine, love. Healthy and whole. I'm here." They're all the same things Colson has been saying for the past several days, each time Mordecai's had this particular nightmare.
"Colson." Mordecai braces an arm on either side of Colson's head, pulling back only enough to get a good look at him. "Colson, is it over?"
"Is what over, love?" Colson asks softly, that slight scrape of exhaustion in his voice still. He clears his throat.
Mordecai sits up in bed. He takes a quick look around the room and then stretches over to turn on his own nightstand for even more light. He focuses back in on Colson immediately. "You're all right?"
"I am fine, Mordecai," Colson says in a low, reassuring voice. He reaches his hands up to Mordecai's face, his skin warm to the touch.
Mordecai stares down at Colson like he's still trying to orient himself and Colson seems to be an anchor point. "I need to see. I need to see, please, let me see you. It was - green again."
Colson lies there, his right hand moving into Mordecai's hair. "Look at me," Colson says, and there's a different sort of warm edge to his voice. "It is gone. I am whole, and healthy, love. Look." In the light of the Draenei lamp, Colson looks slightly purple, but there's no trace of the plague's uncanny green glow.
"It wasn't real," Mordecai mutters to himself as he looks Colson over, pushing the covers all the way down to the foot of the bed. "You're all right. It wasn't real." Mordecai rests a hand over Colson's heart.
Colson makes soothing sorts of sounds, his breathing a little faster, and his heart racing in his chest. "It was not real. Come back to sleep, love," Colson says, his voice low and soft and very inviting.
Mordecai does not turn either of the lights off or pull the covers back up, but he does lie down again next to Colson. "Did I wake you?" he asks, apologetic.
Colson reaches over to pull Mordecai in for a kiss. "I never mind waking for you," Colson says.
Mordecai responds to the kiss with more urgency than usual. He seems wide awake at the moment, especially compared to earlier. "Colson."
Colson makes a content sound, wrapping an arm around Mordecai's waist. "Yes."
Mordecai shifts to be more on top of Colson than not, and his hand over Colson's heart has idly begun tracing the scar. "I don't want to go back to sleep right now," Mordecai says in a low voice.
"As you wish."
==Time Passes==
Friday evening, in the Aspenwood Townhouse in Stormwind.
Colson brushes a hand over his eyes, and continues the journey down to his jaw, rubbing at it almost like he's evaluating how much stubble is there (none), as he blinks his eyes open wider. He's fine.
Mordecai sits down on his half of the bed, pulling his legs up in front of him.
Colson clears his throat. He's been doing it a lot today, the rough edge of sleep returning time after time despite all his efforts. "Do you want me to turn on the light, later, if…" Colson waves a hand elegantly through the air to suggest If Nightmare. "Or would you prefer to keep it on?"
"It's… harder to fall asleep if it's too bright." Mordecai touches Colson's cheek.
Colson nods slightly. "I will turn it on later then, if you have need of it. Perhaps…tonight will be different," Colson says with a calm voice. "Even so, only waking the once…is better." Better than Colson repeatedly waking is the unspoken part.
Mordecai sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "I never used to get the same one more than once."
"Neither did I, before the…the army," Colson says gently, reaching up a hand to Mordecai's hair. "If it does not stop, we will adjust. Eventually you get used to it, although it is my hope that once this is over, perhaps yours will end."
"It's not… exactly the same. There's always little changes." Mordecai crawls under the covers, turning on his side to face Colson.
Colson nods again. "Yes. Mine are much the same. I wish…I could take it from you, and let you rest," Colson says, with deep feeling, as he moves his hand from Mordecai's hair down to his shoulder, his thumb stroking a gentle circle. "You need some better sleep."
"I know." Mordecai's voice is soft. "We both do."
"I am fine enough for now," Colson says, and it sounds like he genuinely believes it. "I have been through far worse. Do not worry about me. I know my limit, and I am not anywhere near it. When we first arrived in Honor Hold, it was much more severe than this."
Mordecai smiles. "I'm always going to worry about you at least a little bit, because I love you."
Colson leans forward to press a kiss to Mordecai's forehead. "I love you, with all that I am," Colson says. "I will be here, should you wake."
Mordecai's smile gets softer and he snuggles up against Colson's side as much as he can. He's definitely using Colson's pillow rather than his own at this point. "As will I. My Colson."
Colson seems to almost relax at the words, closing his eyes briefly. "Yes." He wraps an arm around Mordecai's waist and moves up slightly so he can set his chin against Mordecai's hair. By all appearances, he would seem as though he's settling in for sleep.
It takes Mordecai a long time to actually fall asleep. He spends a lot of that time still with his eyes shut, but he makes dozens of small position adjustments throughout the next hour or so before he finally falls asleep.
Colson keeps his eyes open and fixed on a point on the wall, his lips barely moving as he soundlessly recites. Every so often he adjusts to better fit against Mordecai, and as soon as Mordecai is more obviously asleep, Colson curls around him like a dragon around his treasure hoard, entangling their legs. Colson struggles with keeping his eyes open as the night goes on, but there is a look of determination on his face, and tension in his body language as he resists sleep.
Mordecai wakes only once during the night - quietly, peacefully, he untangles himself from Colson, sits up, and reaches for the water bottle on his nightstand.
Colson makes a soft sound of inquiry at the movement, letting Mordecai go easily, as he reaches for the light. "Mordecai?" That rough edge is worse. Colson sounds exhausted.
"Shhh," Mordecai says quietly. "Go back to sleep, love." He uncaps the water bottle and drinks some water, then puts it back.
Colson halts the motion for the light, and rolls back to where he was. He holds his arms open for Mordecai, clearly waiting for him to settle back down, but there's nothing unusual about that.
Mordecai settles back down in Colson's arms. "I didn't mean to wake you," Mordecai mumbles, soft and apologetic.
Colson presses a kiss to Mordecai's hair. "Not a nightmare this time?"
"Just thirsty…" Mordecai yawns and wraps an arm around Colson, eyes shut.
Colson makes a soft sound, and settles in against Mordecai, setting his chin on the top of Mordecai's hair, breathing in slow and deep.
It takes Mordecai at least another fifteen minutes before he falls asleep again, but he does.
Hours pass, as Colson waits. Here in Stormwind, it is even easier. All he has to do is make it until he can hear the faint tones of the Cathedral bells. There — one, two, three, four, five, six. Colson closes his eyes. Close enough. It will not be as much as the night before, but if he wakes Mordecai at 8am instead of 9am, it should not make much of a difference. Mordecai had a good night. Colson falls asleep, finally, sagging with relief into it.
At seven o' clock, Mordecai wakes to the tolling of the cathedral bells. He blinks sleepily at Colson.
Colson is dead to the world. In sleep, the paladin's face always defaults to his neutral expression, but there is a contented peace around him all the same.
Mordecai smiles the biggest, fondest, sappiest smile that nobody gets to see, because Colson is still asleep. He did it. He beat the Colson Alarm again. Incredible. He tries to move as little as possible.
An hour and a half later, the paladin's breathing picks up slightly, and his body temperature drops by around two degrees, almost instantly. There are faint flickers of expression on Colson's face, a frown almost forming in his sleep.
Mordecai shifts a little so he can see Colson's face, frowns, and traces a Fear Ward over Colson's heart.
Colson's lashes flicker, but the paladin's face goes almost slack. A few seconds later, Colson's temperature returns to his normal, as he shifts slightly in his sleep, attempting to get closer to Mordecai.
Mordecai kisses Colson's forehead and pulls him in closer, making a content sort of humming noise.
Two hours later, almost on cue, the paladin's temperature drops again, and Colson makes a soft, pained sound in his sleep. His left hand twitches, and there is the faintest glow of the Light around it.
Mordecai is sitting up against the headboard of their bed, clipboard balanced against his knees, one hand gently resting on Colson's shoulder. He looks down. "Oh, Colson. Again?" Mordecai reaches down and traces another Fear Ward over Colson's heart.
Colson goes almost boneless as the ward settles around him, the Light blooming in him once more, as he sighs gently in his sleep, one hand coming up to cup his own cheek.
Mordecai smiles and gently strokes Colson's hair. "I'm here, love," he says quietly, but out loud. "I've got you. It's all right."
Colson's eyes snap open at the words, and he rapidly scans for where Mordecai is, relaxing again the moment he realizes he's just right there.
Mordecai smiles and continues the hair pets, whatever he was writing on the clipboard having been abandoned for now.
Colson blinks several times, and rubs at his eyes. "Good morning," he says, his voice crackly with sleep.
"Good morning, beautiful. Did I wake you?"
Colson answers mostly by reaching a hand up to Mordecai to draw him in for a kiss.
Mordecai has to do a bit of position adjusting to be able to reach, and he takes a moment to set his clipboard on his nightstand before leaning down for his good morning kiss.
Colson makes a soft sound, kissing Mordecai slowly and gently. He pulls back slightly, moving to press a small kiss to Mordecai's nose before he says, "You are always a most welcome sight, worth waking for, every time."
Mordecai blushes, but he seems pleased. "It's already past ten in the morning."
Colson blinks slowly, as he makes a faint 'hm' sound. He looks over Mordecai's face, as though trying to evaluate how tired Mordecai seems.
Mordecai looks alert - he's definitely fully awake by now.
Colson exhales a breath almost as though he's been holding it, and smiles gently up at Mordecai, looking — for some reason — pleased.
Mordecai smiles back automatically. "Do you remember any dreams?"
Colson shakes his head slightly. "I almost never remember my dreams. Only the nightmares, and even then, the particulars usually fade by morning." Colson sits up using just his abs, rolling his neck as though to loosen it. "You?"
"None that I remember in detail." Mordecai's expression brightens further. "I think I stopped your nightmares, though. Twice. This morning."
Colson smiles wider, leaning in for another kiss. "Thank you," he says in a soft voice.
Mordecai tries to return the kiss, but he can't seem to stop smiling either. "It was the fear ward. I noticed - you got colder. Trying to suppress your Light again. And I was already awake."
Colson makes a soft, contented sound as he presses a line of kisses along Mordecai's jaw. "I see," he says, his tone a little distracted. "You got enough rest, then? I did not wake you this time?"
"Mmm." Mordecai reaches for Colson's left hand. "I think I got enough. What time did you fall asleep, love?"
Colson shrugs his right shoulder. "Some time this morning, I expect." Colson stretches his shoulders back and moves to a graceful stand. "Have you eaten anything yet?"
"This… morning?" Mordecai shakes his head. He retains his hold on Colson's hand as he scramble-crawls off the bed on Colson's side.
"I slept well," Colson says, as he smiles faintly as Mordecai comes with him, leaning over to press a kiss to his cheek. "Should I ask Rhinehart to have them prepare something, or would you prefer to get something in the city?"
Mordecai draws Colson's hand up to rest against Mordecai's cheek and holds it there. "I'd rather eat here." There's a pause, and then Mordecai says deliberately, "At home," like he's trying to reassert a truth.
Colson steps in closer, his arm wrapping around Mordecai's waist. "Of course." Up close, it's more obvious that Colson is exhausted. There are the faint lines around his eyes, but he looks pleased, and more relaxed than he has in days.
Mordecai reaches up and brushes some of Colson's hair behind his ear. "I wish I could do that every night," Mordecai says softly. "Just… drive away your nightmares."
Colson drops his gaze. "I am used to them. I am sorry though, for how they have…made things so much worse for you, lately. I know it is easier when I am not waking you all night with them."
"Sweetheart, I've been waking you up too." Mordecai kisses Colson's forehead. "You've been so tired."
Colson's lips move as he seems to be attempting to repress a smile, but his eyes look bright. "I am afraid I cannot complain at all with precisely how some of those wakings have ended," Colson says, his voice deep and soft. "I do not mind being a little tired," Colson adds, moving to press a kiss to Mordecai's shoulder.
Mordecai clears his throat and glances away, then back to Colson, flustered. "I'm not complaining either," he says, sounding a little shy. "But." Mordecai adjusts his grip on Colson's left hand, fingers encircling his wrist and brushing over the word TENACITY there on his tattoo. "I… how do I say this."
Colson inhales deeply at the touch, pressing in closer. He's definitely listening, but he's also now moving a hand along the edges of Mordecai's sweater.
Mordecai closes his eyes to say, "The both of us… have spent so much of our lives growing accustomed to living with the bare minimum, in different ways. And we can be content with it, truly, in some cases. 'Good enough' for me is that I get at least something to eat every day. The bare minimum."
Colson tenses, his hand stilling on Mordecai's lower back.
"But I don't think that's how you want me to live," Mordecai says softly. "You would rather I get more than that. As would I, for you."
"Yes," Colson agrees in a quiet, almost fragile sort of voice. "Mordecai…if there is anything. If you want something else, or more…or." Colson stops, takes a breath and continues. "Ask it of me, and I will see it done. Anything."
Mordecai tilts his head, studying Colson's expression carefully. "Ah…"
Colson looks as though he's bracing for something, ready to accept whatever outcome.
"Do you… like it? When I make requests of you like that? Do you want me to ask you for things?" Mordecai asks, slowly, like this is a new thought.
"Of course," Colson says gently, looking at Mordecai with soft, almost sad eyes. "I want to know what you want, and I want to be the one who gives it to you, if I can. No matter what that is, Mordecai."
Mordecai smiles at him. "I want us to talk through some possible solutions together so that we can both end up with more than the bare minimum of sleep." He takes a step back towards the bed, tugging at Colson's hand, and sits down on the edge, immediately pulling his legs up to come sit cross-legged. "Come sit with me?"
Colson comes along willingly, moving to sit next to Mordecai's side. If he has any preference for how he would like them to be sitting, he doesn't show it in his calm demeanor. "Of course."
Mordecai runs his thumb idly along Colson's knuckles. "What do you consider your 'bare minimum' of sleep? How many hours?"
"Two hours, and I can still march for hours during the day. Four is better. I can maintain that for over a month, if need be. Six and…well. That is closer to ideal," Colson says, and there's that almost cadence of reporting to his voice. The 'sir' is implied.
"Very good," Mordecai says, as if Colson has done something genuinely praiseworthy, and he goes quiet for a few moments, thinking. "What is ideal? How many hours?"
"Seven to eight," Colson says immediately, like he definitely knows from experience. It's also how much he usually gets on their ordinary schedule. "Overall. I am…used to the disruptions now."
"The three main solutions I can think of all come with their drawbacks." Mordecai sighs.
Colson raises his brows slightly.
Mordecai turns Colson's hand palm-up and lists off on Colson's fingers instead of his own: "One, potions of dreamless sleep. Entirely a short-term solution, the more sparingly used the better, but could potentially make a difference on a day we know we'll need to be well-rested."
Colson makes a 'hm' sound.
"Two, we could sleep in separate locations. I would hate that, I think. I like knowing where you are and that you're safe whenever I wake up, and I wouldn't be able to apply the fear ward."
Colson's breathing speeds up, and he goes a little paler, his hands tensing in a way that suggests he's not entirely in control of them. "No, please," Colson says, and there is a desperate, plaintive sound to the plea. "Please."
"No," Mordecai agrees immediately. "Definitely not. Not that one."
Colson lets out a shuddering breath and nods. He is still clearly upset, but the paladin looks away, as he tries to force a calm he doesn't feel.
"Three, we could stagger the times at which we sleep. This would give us less time awake during the day to spend together, but I'd be able to prevent your nightmares." Mordecai looks at Colson in concern and promptly repositions into Colson's lap.
Colson's arm moves automatically to support the move, and Colson blinks several times, like it's taking him a few seconds to process the words. "I…" Faint dial up noises can be almost heard as Colson attempts to think with Mordecai suddenly very close. "Yes?" Colson says, after a moment, and it sounds vaguely like a question.
"Are you all right?" Mordecai asks carefully.
"Yes," Colson says immediately. He leans in for a kiss. "I am alright."
Mordecai returns the kiss, wrapping his arms around Colson's shoulders. "Can I ask what it was about that second suggestion that upset you?"
Colson pulls back enough to be able to look at Mordecai's expression. "I…" Colson inhales deeply and tries again, speaking slowly as though he's choosing his words very carefully. "I would rather try anything else than have the solution be that you leave me, even for a temporary solution. Anything else but that. I know that when I am the problem, that it is a possible option. I…I simply do not want it to be the one you choose."
"Oh." That's the classic puzzle piece clicking into place Mordecai 'oh'.
Colson drops his gaze, his expression tight with strain. "Always….before, you rejected even the possibility. Every time I have offered. You have always chosen me before, over anything else."
"I don't want to leave you." Mordecai takes Colson's face gently in both hands. "I won't leave you. I promise. Colson, look at me?"
Colson obeys immediately, his eyes soft and sad, the strain showing in the tightness across his features, the slight compression of his lips, the faint lines around his eyes.
"You are not 'the problem', and I would not care even if you were. You are my partner, and there is nowhere else I would rather sleep than in your arms, and I mean that." Mordecai's expression softens. "I asked you a very difficult question, and you answered in full. Thank you for trusting me with your heart, Colson."
Colson's eyes show a faint smile, as he tilts his head slightly. He nods after a moment, looking from each of Mordecai's eyes. "I am accustomed to sleeping in shifts," he says after a long enough pause that it might have seemed like he wasn't going to speak. "I usually took first watch, or last."
Mordecai goes quiet, watching Colson's face with that same soft expression. "I'm thinking," he says after a few moments. "Nothing bad, just… how to put a thought into words." He goes quiet again.
Colson nods again, waiting with the sense of infinite patience that Colson possesses.
Mordecai leans in for a kiss while he's thinking, as if that will somehow help.
Colson blinks again, as though he's having a little trouble processing things as quickly as he usually does, but this is not a difficult decision to make at least. He meets Mordecai more than halfway, pressing into the kiss like it's water and he's desperately thirsty.
Mordecai does, eventually, cycle back around to that thought, but it takes him well over a minute to do so. "Colson, when you say that you're fine, what does that mean?"
Colson pulls back and makes the faint, automatic 'hm?' sound. It takes him an extra moment to open his eyes, and he looks at Mordecai like maybe Colson didn't understand the question. "I…forgive me, I don't know that I understand what you're asking me, love. It means I am fine," Colson says gently.
"Is that just the bare minimum?"
Colson opens his mouth, closes it, and tries again. "I…do not know that I would say so, no. I am fine, now, and rather content at present," Colson says, his arm tightening around Mordecai's waist.
"Right now, yes. You've said you were fine before when there actually was something bothering you. You've said you were fine while standing in scalding hot water, Colson. And I know you don't lie to me, so there has to be… some discrepancy here."
Colson tilts his head slightly, as he looks away — not as though he's avoiding Mordecai as much as attempting to think. "I was fine," Colson says after a moment, confusion clear in his voice. "It takes more than some discomfort for me to not be, well."
"More than some discomfort," Mordecai says slowly, frowning a little. "Just how bad does the discomfort have to be for you to consider yourself no longer 'fine'?"
Colson makes a 'hm' sound. "As long as I can still think clearly, and there is no overwhelming pain hampering my ability to move or make decisions if I should need to, then I am fine. If I cannot focus on anything but the pain, then I am not."
"I might describe that as 'able to function'. I certainly wouldn't use the word 'fine'."
Colson looks away again, and this time it's much clearer that it's to avoid looking at Mordecai as he says in a quiet voice, "Pain does not…bother me. So long as it does not inhibit my ability to do what I must, it has no…meaning to me, if I am in pain. If I can still…set it aside, then I am still only me, and I am…" Colson shrugs his right shoulder. You know. Fine. "I can still function, even when I am not…fine," Colson adds, his voice very soft, and very guilty.
Mordecai tucks a few strands of hair behind Colson's ear. "What about emotional discomfort, or emotional pain? What constitutes 'fine' for you in that regard?"
"Much the same," Colson says, with a soft sigh. He blinks his gaze back up at Mordecai. "You have seen it, when I am not. After…" Colson shifts his hand to touch without looking, unerringly, the exact place the Baroness of Stratholme used Colson and his sword to cut Mordecai. "I was not fine. It was agony. Overwhelming."
"Oh." Mordecai seems to be taking that in. "I… understand."
Colson moves his hand up to brush at Mordecai's curls on his forehead. "I was not fine after the Battle of Light's Hope Chapel. I am not always fine. I have my limits. I am not…" Colson halts the sentence, swallowing hard.
"I don't expect you to always be fine, love. Nobody is." Mordecai traces a three-fingered line along Colson's right cheek, where the ghoul scratched him last week.
Colson catches Mordecai's hand on his cheek to press into his hand. "I know. I only mean that I will always tell you when I am not fine, and that it does happen."
Mordecai takes another moment to word his question before he continues: "If 'are you all right' only gets me information about the most extreme levels of discomfort and pain it's possible for you to experience, what question should I be asking if I want to know if anything is bothering you, physically or emotionally?"
Colson's expression moves slightly in a look of puzzlement, as though Mordecai's asked him something odd. "I…anything?"
Mordecai smiles, very faint. "Anything."
Colson shakes his head slightly, the look intensifying. "I am not sure that I…" Colson exhales and shrugs his right shoulder.
"'Are you in pain' is simple enough, for physical discomfort, but how do I phrase that question if I'm asking about emotional discomfort? Because it's not always pain. Sometimes it's sadness, or anger, or fear."
Colson blinks slowly. "I would tell you, if it was important," Colson says, and it sounds like he thinks he's telling the truth.
Mordecai nods slowly. "And if you don't think it's important, you… control it, put it away for later, and wait for it to pass. Is that right?"
Colson opens his mouth, and then closes it. He looks down at his hand for a moment, exhales slowly, and blinks back up at Mordecai. "Yes."
Mordecai's tone is entirely gentle curiosity, free of all judgment. "Why?"
Colson looks as though he's been caught doing something illegal and doesn't know how to defend it. "I…it is what I do. It…" Colson shakes his head again. The words of 'it is not important' hang unspoken in the air.
Mordecai carefully gathers Colson's left hand in his, squeezes once, and looks at Colson questioningly. "Checking in," he says quietly.
Colson squeezes back once, but his expression still holds that look of confusion and guilt, as though he's certain he's done something wrong, but has no idea what it is.
"I love you," Mordecai says, holding eye contact. "I'm trying to understand you a little better, so that I know how I can help better in the future. I… know I've been asking a lot of questions. You can ask me questions too, if you wish."
Colson drops his gaze, his head bowing slightly, and after a moment he moves forward to set his forehead against Mordecai's shoulder. "Earlier. When you suggested that perhaps we could sleep separately…” Colson stops, inhales and tries again. “You said that you have a preference, to not. But was it only because of what I said? I know…I have known for days that it was an option, and I.” Colson’s voice breaks slightly and he clears his throat. “I know I should have offered it. And yet I could not. I was…terrified that the answer might have been ‘Yes. That sounds reasonable,’ and I know that I have been failing you so often as of late and now with this latest problem that I present that it could indeed be…reasonable,” a hitch on the word, but Colson soldiers on. “Yet some part of me has been clinging to the belief that I need not offer it, because of course you would not want it. Was that wrong? Would you have been willing to do so, even if it was not i-ideal? Should I have offered?"
Mordecai rests a hand on the back of Colson's head as he speaks, and when he finally goes quiet, Mordecai starts up the hair petting. "Colson, sweetheart."
Colson exhales slowly. "Yes?" His eyes are closed and it's clear he's bracing himself for something.
"I would have been willing to sleep separately if it were something you wanted, for your own sake, so you could get some sleep without me waking you up. And I would hate every moment of it. I would miss you, and I would be unhappy, but I would do it for you. If that were what you needed. But it isn't. It's not what either of us need. So no, darling, you were correct in choosing not to offer that, because it is not something you want or need at all."
"No matter how often you wake me up, I will sleep better with you there than not at all," Colson says softly into Mordecai's shoulder. "But I am the cause of you waking. It is my fault." Colson's voice has gone very quiet, the rough edge of sleep obvious.
"You don't choose to have nightmares. You carry no blame here." Mordecai pulls Colson closer. "What in the world did you mean, that you've been failing me often lately?" It is very obvious that Mordecai has no idea what Colson's referring to.
"It is not a choice, but that does not change that it is what I am doing to you. Even your own nightmare is a consequence of my actions, my choices. If I had not been so close, if I had not left myself vulnerable, if I had not been infected…” Colson holds himself almost rigid, his hands clenching and unclenching on nothing. “I failed you in that moment, and now it haunts you. I keep…hurting you, and I cannot seem to stop. All I want is to make you happy, yet I have been upsetting you, embarrassing you, worrying you.”
Mordecai says quietly, "Colson, if you hadn't been that close, I would have been, and it would have been me infected."
Colson says nothing as he holds himself there, face pressed into Mordecai's shoulder, eyes closed as he breathes evenly.
"I don't feel like you failed me. Clearly, you feel like you have, but I don't. I forgive you, if it will help to hear me say it."
Colson turns his face slightly, resting his cheek on Mordecai's shoulder. "I know you do," Colson says, his voice almost a rough whisper. There's an undercurrent in the words, something unsaid, but Colson remains silent.
"What else are you talking about? You said it keeps happening." Mordecai seems content just to hold Colson and pet his hair indefinitely.
"With the…tart, before. I embarrassed you. I know I did. All of that dinner with Aze, when I…" Colson swallows and his voice has a thread of pain in it. "When you made yourself smaller, because of me. Like you did before. With Mordred. And I then I interrupted you when you were trying to reach out to the naaru, for no reason. Because I did not have your attention for a few moments? And when I could have perhaps improved upon it, I did not. I rushed you, and I made you unhappy thinking I did not want…" Colson stops talking, his jaw clenching hard on the words.
"Colson, in the future, these are the sorts of things I would like to talk about with you after they happen, when we have a moment in private, rather than you secretly filing them away as things you did wrong." Mordecai kisses the top of Colson's head.
Colson flinches. "I see. I understand." His voice is tight.
"I'm not upset with you, love. Can we - those are some very different unrelated things - can we discuss those one at a time? Which tarts were you talking about? The pecan tarts? The blueberry tarts? The egg tarts?"
Colson tenses further. "I embarrassed you with the others as well?" Colson asks, like now he's wondering if he missed something.
"What?" Mordecai sounds genuinely confused. "When did you embarrass me?"
Colson pulls back to look at Mordecai's face. Colson's eyes are red rimmed, and a little too bright, as he searches Mordecai's face for an answer to a question he isn't asking out loud.
Mordecai's expression is soft and a little concerned. "I genuinely don't know which situation you're referring to, and I'm very confused."
"When you made the egg tarts, and I…" Colson holds up his hand in a similar gesture for how he offered up the egg tart. "Do…you not remember it?" Colson asks, his voice gentle, and confused rather than judgmental or accusatory.
"Oh. Yes." Mordecai catches Colson's hand out of the air and kisses his fingertips, because he can. "Egg tarts. That I remember."
"Have I done it again with the others as well? Did I not…catch those?" Colson asks, and he sounds honestly distressed by the possibility. How many tarts has he made Awkward?
"I don't think so…?" Mordecai releases Colson's hand.
Colson doesn't seem particularly reassured, but he closes his eyes and lets his hand fall to his side. "I thought…I thought I could at least tell that much. When I have pushed too far, when you are genuinely embarrassed by something I have done."
"I was," Mordecai says quickly. "With the egg tarts. And you did a wonderful job once you realized. You gave me enough space to calm down, you changed the subject, I told you that you'd done nothing wrong, and then… I suppose I just moved right past it, and you put it in a 'failures to agonize over' box." Mordecai smiles. "Take it out of there now. I forgive you. You responded well, you helped me calm down, and I was happy."
Colson drops his eyes, inclining his head as his face goes into a forced neutrality.
"It's fine if it takes you longer," Mordecai adds. "If you can't take it out of there yet. I'm… not trying to tell you how to feel. I'm trying to… you asked me to tell you if you were blaming yourself unnecessarily for things that weren't your fault."
Colson nods once. "Yes." He looks up at Mordecai, that blank expression covering his face. "I was the one who pushed too far. It was my fault."
"You didn't do it on purpose, and once you realized it was too far, you stopped immediately. Is that something you should still be blamed for?"
"If I do not consider it, how will I learn from it? How will I avoid making the same mistake again, if all I do is brush it aside?" Colson asks in a quiet, even voice. "I know I will make mistakes. All I want is to at the least not repeat them."
Mordecai goes quiet, thinking that over. He's looking at Colson with a soft smile the entire time, unbothered by Colson's lack of expression. "Mm…"
Colson's eyes go softer the longer he looks at Mordecai, and almost as if he isn't thinking about it, only following an impulse, reaches up his left hand to cup Mordecai's cheek.
Mordecai leans into the touch, smiling wider.
Colson smiles faintly back, more in his eyes than his lips.
"I wasn't afraid of you, love. At that dinner with Aze." Apparently Mordecai has moved on to the next thing on his list.
"You…made yourself smaller," Colson says softly, looking at his hand on Mordecai's cheek. "From the way I spoke. I lost control. I should not have."
"I was thinking of family dinners, because Aze had just mentioned them…" Mordecai looks thoughtful. "It wasn't the way you spoke. It was… I'm not entirely certain what it was. I hardly remember what you said, or what Aze said."
Colson closes his eyes, a flicker of something almost disrupting the neutral expression but not quite. "I know. You went somewhere else, to get away from…me." Aze clearly doesn't count, for some reason.
"No, love. I was thinking about imprisonment. I was… trying to escape a memory, not the present." Mordecai shakes his head. "And then I heard the song."
Colson drops his gaze.
"It was horrible," Mordecai whispers. "It was like… I'm not even sure I can make all of the sounds I heard. There wasn't a clear message in it, just… pain. So much pain. But it was so calm."
Colson nods slightly.
"I felt like I was… melting. Dissolving. Like if I listened too long, parts of me would just wear off until nothing was left."
Colson frowns slightly, the expression barely a hint of movement on his face. "You believe the naaru's song would have hurt you?"
Mordecai closes his eyes. "In the same way as having someone scream into your ear for a long time might damage your hearing, perhaps. It wasn't… comfortable to listen to, by any standard, and I didn't know how to break free. And then I heard your voice."
Colson looks up at Mordecai, his eyes soft and sad. "You were in pain?" Colson asks, his voice sounding almost defeated.
"I was… uncomfortable, the way most people would be when listening to a creature of the Light suffering, but I wasn't in pain. Just… overwhelmed. And you called me back."
Colson nods slightly. "I see."
Mordecai smiles. "My Colson. Was… was there something else after that? It sounded like there might have been something else."
Colson shakes his head, brushing his thumb along Mordecai's cheek.
"Would you like some water?" Mordecai looks in the direction of Colson's nightstand and evaluates the stretchiness of his arms.
"No," Colson says. The rough edge to his voice is still audible. "I am." Colson hesitates and exhales. "Fine."
"You do make me happy," Mordecai says, looking back at Colson's face. "Constantly."
Colson moves his hand into the chaos curls, very gently finger combing some out from the inevitable bed head. "Will you let me take the first shift, at night. So you can sleep? I can sleep later, when you wake."
"We can try that, certainly." Mordecai leans in. "Did… that help, at all? Or did I make it worse, somehow?"
Colson leans forward intending to press a kiss to Mordecai's cheek. "You never make it worse, love. Never."
Mordecai holds still. "I've been waking you up all week with nightmares. That doesn't count?"
Colson shakes his head. "No. I am used to waking from my own. Once more would make no real difference, except…for the culmination of it all. Mine waking you longer than they would me."
"I was so happy, this morning," Mordecai admits, and he sounds almost shy. "When I was able to Fear Ward your nightmares away. I got to be your Shield."
Colson smiles gently, setting his cheek against Mordecai's and breathing in deeply. "You always are."
"To… answer your earlier question. No, me not wanting to sleep separately was not only because of what you said. I would much rather be with you. And I don't say things that I don't mean just to try and make you feel better, love. Ever."
Colson makes a soft sound of agreement, pressing another kiss to Mordecai's cheek. "I believe you," he says in a slight rasp of a whisper.
"Thank you for talking to me. I always appreciate it when you do. I know some of that was… difficult for you to say."
Colson drops a kiss to Mordecai's shoulder. "I always enjoy speaking with you, Mordecai. I always have." Colson's arm flexes slightly in its hold around Mordecai's waist. "And I would do far worse than speak of myself to hold you like this indefinitely." There is a hint of a smile in Colson's voice, although he's clearly attempting for his deadpan Serious Voice.
Mordecai looks extremely comfortable. "This is extremely comfortable," he confirms out loud, smiling at Colson. "I'm not entirely opposed to just sitting here for the rest of my life, except that I do think we might need to eat at some point."
Colson chuckles, low and deep, as he traces the edge of Mordecai's sweater with a hand. "If only I was a mage and able to conjure something with a wave of my hand," Colson says lightly. "But, alas."
Mordecai makes a hand gesture not terribly dissimilar to Cressidha's cinnamon roll-conjuring spell. Nothing happens, of course. "Alas." Mordecai looks very fondly at Colson. "What would you like to do now?"
Colson looks over Mordecai's features very slowly, tracing a line from his face to his shoulders, and back up again. "What would I like to do, or what should I do, to fulfill responsibilities and obligations? I fear those are two different answers."
Mordecai's smile brightens. "Well, I asked what you'd like to do. Should do can probably wait a little longer today, I think."
"What I would like to do," Colson says in a low, soft voice, leaning forward to brush his lips against Mordecai's ear. "Is take you with me to shower, make you breakfast, and come back to bed to eat it. I would like to speak with you more, in a conversation that does not require pants. And then I want to dance with you, so I can hold you. But I fear that would take well into the afternoon, and I should not…" Colson sighs almost silently and pulls back. "There are things I should do."
Mordecai laughs and gets to his feet. He does some quick stretches, because he's been sitting for a while. "We can probably get at least part way through that list before responsibility and obligation time, right?"
Colson rises to a graceful stand, a faint smile on his face. "Possibly."
Mordecai leans in and kisses Colson's cheek. "Shower first," he says, sounding happy and almost playful. "Meet you there."
Colson reaches out to grab Mordecai's wrist, his face looking serious, but there's something bright and amused in his eyes. "Oh! Mordecai, wait."
Mordecai stops moving, but it's a casual freeze, not a startled freeze. "Yes?" Mordecai is already smiling, like maybe he knows what Colson's about to say.
Colson adjusts his grip, flipping Mordecai's hand over, to bring it up for a soft kiss against his knuckles, Colson making direct eye contact. "I love you," he says, and he grins back at Mordecai's smile.
Mordecai lets out a delighted little laugh and beams at Colson. "I love you too."