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| Details |
| Author: | Athena |
| Summary: | After the aftermath of the Battle of Light's Hope Chapel, Mordecai and Colson return to their home in Telaar, to cope with the day. 6k words. |
| Rating: | M for Mature 17+ |
Chain: Morson
Back in the Telaar Inn
Mordecai appears in the common room of Telaar's inn and takes a single step to the side, turning already to the spot where Colson usually appears.
Colson appears just mere seconds behind Mordecai, and he staggers, even with his eyes still closed, a hand reaching out automatically.
Mordecai steps in to catch him. "I'm here. Easy."
Colson opens his eyes at the touch, and there's something crumpling in the paladin's face already. He swallows hard, and pushes whatever it is back behind a wall. One that is not going to last much longer by the look of him.
"You usually wait longer to open your eyes after teleporting," Mordecai says, with faint concern.
Colson makes a sound that is dangerously close to a sob, as he clenches his jaw. He can't seem to speak, so he inhales sharply, and starts walking to their room. He can make it.
Mordecai lets go of Colson to scramble to get the key out. Mordecai slaps the key onto the panel in the correct direction.
Colson gets that door open like his life depends on it (it doesn't), and he's barely two steps inside before he falls to his knees, hands flat on the ground, and making sounds like he's trying desperately not to cry and it's not working.
Mordecai shuts the door behind them, sets the bag down on the table near the door, and kneels down on the floor next to Colson.
Colson is breathing in and out between his teeth, making hissing sounds, as he chokes on the sobs he's struggling to not let free.
Mordecai reaches for the strap of a pauldron which is sharp enough to kill a man and asks, "May I?"
Colson can't speak but he can nod. He does that, his eyes crushed closed, tears leaking out from behind trembling lashes.
Mordecai begins removing Colson's armor, stacking the pieces neatly on the carpet regardless of how bloody they may be.
Colson's armor isn't all that bloody, except for the broken breastplate, and that looks more likely to be Colson's blood than anyone's. His gauntlets aren't anywhere on him.
Mordecai doesn't say anything, he just gathers Colson into his arms as soon as the armor is off.
Colson practically crawls into Mordecai's arms, and that's when the dam breaks. Colson is almost screaming in the sobs, as though his heart is breaking and he doesn't know how to make it stop.
Mordecai makes soft, sympathetic noises and holds Colson close. He seems prepared to wait out the flood of tears indefinitely.
Colson keeps trying to get it under control once more, and failing, as he starts and stops and starts again. It's minutes until finally, truly, the paladin seems to run out of enough of the flood to shove it back. He keeps his face buried in Mordecai's hair and doesn't come out, even as he stabilizes into a shaky breaths state. He says nothing at all, as he just breathes.
Mordecai isn't going anywhere any time soon. He rubs Colson's back and waits.
Colson inhales, and when he speaks, his voice is hoarse and tight. "Are you alright?" he asks, holding Mordecai like a lifeline in a stormy sea.
"Me?" Mordecai seems genuinely surprised by the question, even though he should know better by now. "Um. I don't know."
Colson's arms shake slightly, as he maneuvers himself closer, threading a hand through Mordecai's hair. "Was it better, worse, or the same as Mt. Hyjal?" Colson asks, and his voice cracks a little, but he holds steady.
"Better," Mordecai says softly. "For me. You?"
"I don't know," Colson says honestly. "I cannot…" Colson breaks off. "I need to lie down, and I need you with me." He inhales a sharp, shaky breath. "Please."
"Of course." Mordecai begins to get to his feet. "Can I just - very quick—" Mordecai nods in the direction of the washroom.
Colson nods, letting go of Mordecai with reluctance. He stays kneeling there, his hands dropping to the ground, his posture broken completely as the paladin sags in on himself. "Of course," he says.
Mordecai rests a hand on Colson's back and says gently, "I'll be right back. I drank so much water today and." With the rest of that sentence forever incomplete and left to the imagination, Mordecai hurries across the room directly to the washroom on the far end, walking right over the carpet without taking his boots off first.
Colson tips his head back, his hair falling out of his face, his eyes still closed. It takes him a long several seconds, kneeling there, his hands limp by his sides, before Colson starts praying. As he prays, the Light around the paladin grows more intense, as a Blessing of Wisdom settles on him gently as a lover's touch. Colson inhales deeply, and forces himself up to a stand.
Mordecai returns in under two minutes. He has washed his hands and face. He is no longer wearing his robe, which has been left to soak in hopes of salvaging it at all, after all the blood. Mordecai sets his boots down by the wardrobe, which is not where they go.
Colson has made it to the bed, where he removes his shirt and pants, and crawls under the covers, his eyes open and red rimmed. He looks like a mess. He does not cry pretty.
The shirt and pants do not belong on the ground by the bed, but here we are.
Mordecai moves around the room with larger steps than he usually takes. He would like to get back to Colson as soon as possible, and it shows, but there is one (1) task that seems to take priority. The task is not cleaning up anything. Mordecai takes several empty water bottles out of his bag and brings them over to the sink, where he starts refilling them.
Colson curls up around Mordecai's pillow, pressing his face into it.
Mordecai refills two and hurries back across the room, leaving both bottles of water on his own nightstand, which is closer. "I'm here. Sorry that took so long. I'm here." It really didn't take that long at all. Mordecai pulls the covers back on his side and climbs into bed.
Colson lets go of the pillow, reaching for Mordecai, fully on Mordecai's side of the bed now.
Mordecai has dried blood in his hair. It is not his own blood. He has more dried blood that has soaked through to his undershirt. It is also not his own blood. There are traces of blood under his fingernails, because he rushed through washing his hands. Mordecai gathers Colson to him and pulls the covers back up.
Colson breathes in like Mordecai is the best scent in all the world, and relaxes as more of Colson's skin comes into direct contact with Mordecai's. He exhales a long, shuddering breath.
On the scale of Mordecai's typical scents, between Infirmary and Bakery, Mordecai is currently all the way on the Infirmary side, except that he washed his hair two nights ago with Colson's shampoo, and some of that scent might be left.
Colson's hair is a disaster. Sweat has made where the circlet rested into a wonky, wobble ring around his head, and there's a clinging scent of death and decay around the paladin from the day. He nuzzles in closer to Mordecai. Maybe there are hair pets in his future.
"Do you want me to talk?" Mordecai asks, quiet. "Or sing something? I don't know." He begins gently combing through Colson's hair with his fingers.
Colson moves more of himself over on top of Mordecai, the paladin weighted-blanket starting already. "I…" Colson starts and then stops, rephrasing entirely. "Fi is dead," he says and there's a hollow ring to it, like he's been saying it over and over. "I don't know when. She was one of the Death Knights, of the army the Lich King sent. I saw her. She was hurt. I thought — " Colson's breathing is speeding up. "I thought she was hurt. There was blood all over her. I was not thinking. I tried to heal her."
"Oh, no." Mordecai closes his eyes. "Oh, no…"
"I burned her, badly. She looked at me, and. I knew. I saw it. I…I told her I would not abandon her to her path, but she did not want…" Colson's voice breaks off, as he closes his eyes. Pain radiates from every word. "Sir Black was meant to keep her safe, and on her path. I…I do not know what…went wrong. She attacked him. I was too far to do anything. I lost track of them."
"Light, I'm so sorry." Mordecai turns the finger-combing into standard hair-petting.
Colson breathes in, and out. "Lord Morningdew is dead," Colson says, and this is related in an even voice. "One of the Knights. I was trying to heal one of our fallen, and he…" Colson touches a hand to his abdomen. "We fought. I…I may have killed him." Colson makes a soft sound of pain. "I cannot be sure."
Mordecai makes a quiet noise to indicate that he's listening.
Colson doesn't say anything for a long moment. There is something more, and it's clear Colson either doesn't know how to say it, or cannot say it yet.
Mordecai waits patiently, holding Colson close. His eyes keep flickering shut, and he's struggling a little to keep them open.
"Roper was there," Colson finally says. "One of the Knights."
There's a pause before Mordecai, exhausted as he is, recognizes the name, and goes, "Oh, no."
"I was…I was healing, and I heard my name. I turned, and. It was him. One of the others, they…went to take advantage of the distraction, and it was reflex. I…I stopped the blow."
Mordecai tries to readjust his position a little so he can see Colson's face better.
Colson is staring into the distance like the scene is playing out all over for him, pain written clear across his features. Colson flexes his hands. "He was bleeding. I did not even know what I was doing. I had a hand on the wound, and then he…something hit me. Disease, something cold. I…after I healed it, I had lost him entirely."
Immediately, at the word 'disease', while Colson is still speaking, Mordecai whispers a prayer against disease under his breath, the Light settling around Colson but finding nothing to cure.
Colson's voice goes quiet, but tight. "I…Sir Fordring stopped them. From being weapons of the Lich King. They were…controlled or bound to his will, I don't fully understand it. And now…they have…" Colson shakes his head. "Free will once more. Some vowed to end the Scourge. I…" Colson closes his eyes, and stops talking.
"Oh." This is clearly news to Mordecai, who was very busy at that time. "I… see."
"You heard…what happened. We lost Ael," Colson says. "Forgive me. I forgot how close we were to the tent, how loud that must have been." Colson, himself, was as quiet as ever, and probably not audible to anyone but Ael.
"I feel like a better priest would have stayed the night there," Mordecai says. "I knew - I didn't have time to write any of it down, it was just all in my head. Who'd been healed as much as they could, who hadn't been seen to - Mizzy didn't come back, and I passed everything off to a younger priest with less experience, and I didn't even look for Mizzy and Ben."
"I didn't… I didn't want to stay the night there," Mordecai admits, and he sounds genuinely ashamed of this.
Colson pushes up onto an elbow with effort, even though this probably takes Colson's hair out of easy petting range, so he can look at Mordecai. He's practically on top of him by this point, but it's fine. "My love, I would have insisted on coming back," Colson says. "Ismene was exhausting herself past the breaking point. I sent Ben to rescue her. I knew you would stop me, if I went too far. And I was there, for you. The warriors have it easy, sometimes. The battle has an end. For healers, the real end will be days from now, possibly weeks. We pace ourselves, and we watch out for each other, knowing that each of us does what we do because we are called to it. You did enough, my love. You did enough."
Mordecai looks exhausted. He touches Colson's face, because that's easier to reach than his hair now. "You too."
Colson looks like something has broken inside the paladin, and he's struggling to keep the pieces close enough together for them to eventually heal. He presses his cheek into Mordecai's hand. "I failed so many of my brethren today, Mordecai. The paladin I was trying to heal…I was too slow, with Lord Morningdew. By the time I returned, his wounds had set. I…his armor was crushed around him, and there was nothing more I could do. I have no idea if he will ever recover. Because he had the misfortune of me being the closest option," Colson says, and it sounds like he genuinely believes that.
"That's not your fault, love," Mordecai says, frowning. "You did what you could for him, and he lived."
Colson shakes his head a little. "I know. I will live with it. I…" Colson looks at Mordecai. "I could not save any of them. Not Fi. Not Lord Morningdew. Not Ael. I could only watch them fall."
"You saved quite a few people today," Mordecai says firmly. "But the failures always hit harder. Especially when they're people you know. Cheep, my orderly today, said I was like a machine. I think she meant it as a compliment. It sounds a little bit more like a compliment when it comes from a gnome. I think." Mordecai does not sound certain it was a compliment.
Colson flinches, a brief look of shock and pain at the word, and there's a flash of something in Colson's eyes that even in that second, looks a lot like rage. "You are not a machine," Colson says with a tight voice. "Not in any way. What you are is a remarkable, competent healer."
Mordecai blinks up at Colson a couple of times and then breaks into a slow smile. "I love you."
Colson's face softens, as something like a very faint smile moves his expression slightly. He looks a mess, all red and blotchy, dried sweat and dirt from the day on everywhere that wasn't covered by armor. He leans in for a kiss.
Mordecai leans up to meet Colson. He seems like he's struggling to keep his eyes open as he kisses Colson back.
It's a very soft, tender kiss as Colson covers Mordecai's body with his own. "I love you," he says. "And you need to rest." He's probably saying that to Mordecai. Possibly himself. Who can say.
"'m resting right now." Mordecai closes his eyes. "See? Resting."
Colson chuckles, his voice still sounding raw with grief, but there's something under the grief that is a strong base of happiness. "Yes, very good. Keep doing that." There's a hint of a smile in the words.
Mordecai smiles. "Still resting. Thank you for coming to check on me, and the blessing. It helped. We were… so busy."
"It was the least I could do," Colson says. It might sorta technically be true. Those blessings barely ding his mana. "And I could not continue until I saw you were alright. I needed to be sure. It was as much for me as it was for you. I need you," Colson says, open and sincerely.
Mordecai opens his eyes to look at Colson. "Then I'm glad I was there when you needed me."
"Always," Colson says, looking from each of Mordecai's eyes. He smiles slightly, and shifts his weight so he can move a hand to brush Mordecai's hair out of his eyes. "You asked if this was better or worse than Mt. Hyjal. The day was worse. But this?" Colson leans in to brush a kiss to Mordecai's lips. "This is better. This is everything."
Mordecai makes a happy sort of sound. "I'm glad. I… can I ask what… you said to Ael? When he mentioned me?"
"He wanted to know what I would have done, if I lost you. I told him the truth," Colson says, looking at Mordecai. "I would have become a monster. I would have destroyed myself on that pyre. It was not what he wanted to hear. That I am not certain my faith would see me through, that I would endure it and let the Light guide me." Colson closes his eyes. "It felt like he ran me through, even hearing him speak of you like that."
"Oh, sweetheart." Mordecai leans up a little and kisses Colson's cheek. "No enemies so much as entered the tent, that whole time."
"I know," Colson says, in a way that sounds like he really knows. Maybe personally. He brushes his fingers down Mordecai's face. "I would have ripped a hole through the world today, if I had lost you in it. If you had been one of those…Death Knights. I would have run myself through on your sword for the vaguest hope to join you in damnation." Colson says it softly, sounding sad and tired.
"I never know what to say to that," Mordecai says with a faint smile. "I don't want you to die if… you know."
Colson shakes his head. "I am more afraid of what I will do if I live, than following you in death. I can feel it sometimes, like with the gronn, or with your…" Colson's eyes narrow slightly. "Family. There is a rush of power, but not one I know, not well. I can feel how easy it would be to tip further into it, let go of the things that bind me to my path, and blaze in Righteous Power. I would break the world for even a small chance to be back at your side." It sounds more like an apology than a declaration of adoration.
"No pressure, Mordecai," Mordecai says, shaking his head a little. He brushes at the tear tracks from earlier on Colson's face.
Colson leans more into the touch. "You save me, every day. I come home to you, and I know what Ael spoke of when he said that the Light is not enough sometimes. For so long, it was all I could come back to. And I survived, but it was nothing compared to how it feels to be loved by you, to have you here. If that was gone, and I had to go back to that life, it would feel empty, where it once felt full enough."
Mordecai hums thoughtfully. "Maybe the Light isn't what Ael needs right now. I hope he finds it, whatever it is, but I… I couldn't help him. I'm glad you tried, because I couldn't… I couldn't leave the tent."
Colson closes his eyes. "I had to try. It was not enough to help him. It is never enough. They slip through my fingers, Mordecai, and I." He swallows, and exhales slowly. "I am glad you stayed. There were others who needed help as well."
"They. Your fellow paladins? Or…"
"Yes," Colson says, and opens his eyes. "Hugh. Fi. Morningdew. Ael. The Crusaders that I…" Colson looks down. "It never matters, what I do. I am never enough to stop it."
"It matters that you tried. It matters to me, at least." Mordecai sighs.
"I saved you," Colson says, and it sounds like he's saying it to himself. "I saved someone, at least." Colson smiles faintly. "I am enough, for you."
"You did. You saved me. You're more than enough. I… I've been trying to write a song about it, but. I don't know if I like how it's turning out and the central metaphor might need to be changed."
Colson's expressions brightens, and while he manages to make his face look solemn, his eyes dance with excitement. "Oh?" He says, not even remotely casually. "There's a central metaphor?" He shifts his weight a little, leaning in closer.
Mordecai is situated in such a way that he doesn't really have an easy way to hide his face completely, but he turns his head to the side and closes his eyes, blushing. "Ngh. It's not doooone."
"Do you want any help?" Colson asks sincerely. He presses a soft kiss to Mordecai's shoulder, balancing his weight carefully but with great familiarity.
"Noooo," Mordecai almost whines. Since he can't get his face into the pillow, he reaches up for the pillow itself and bends it around his face. Mordecai is hiding now.
Colson holds back any laughter, although his voice sounds happy and amused as he asks, "Do you want any…inspiration?" with not even remotely believable innocence, as he dips his head lower to place a kiss over Mordecai's heart.
Mordecai makes an embarrassed noise. Hiding now, leave a message.
Colson's idea of leaving a message seems to be setting his cheek against Mordecai's heart, as though listening to it beat, sighing happily. "I love you, so much," Colson says, and the grief is still there, but it seems less sharp, as Colson holds the broken pieces more easily now.
Mordecai stops hiding to pet Colson's hair again now that it's back in easier reach. "I love you too. You… I feel like you make me… better, somehow."
"Me?" Colson asks, sliding his arm under Mordecai so he can press in closer, careful with his weight on Mordecai's chest.
"I work harder. I've… been eating healthier. I take better care of myself. I…" Mordecai trails off, thinking.
Colson makes a thoughtful 'hm' sound, as he presses a kiss to Mordecai's collarbones, which are much less pronounced than they were before, after months of marriage.
"You saved me. You saw… that I was lost, that I had nowhere to belong, and you helped me find a place. A purpose. I might not be a paladin, so perhaps I don't count, but it was you who put me on my path, you know."
"You are still a brother of the Light," Colson says and then stops, making a 'hm' sound. "That sounds terrible somehow now. Fi was —" Colson stops, and exhales a sharp breath like he's been stabbed. It takes him a moment to continue. "She preferred 'comrade' in the Light." Past tense. It doesn't seem accidental.
"Mm." Mordecai lets that sit in the air for a moment and then keeps talking. "I suppose I always just wanted to be… wanted."
Colson looks up at that, looking at Mordecai with soft eyes. They seem a little brighter than they were, with unshed tears, but Colson's attention is clearly on Mordecai. "I want you," Colson says, with a depth of feeling. "In every way."
"My Colson," Mordecai says softly. "I'm glad we came home. I would have been miserable spending the night there, and you… you needed me."
"Yes," Colson agrees. "We should return tomorrow, to help. We both know how this goes, how long recovery will take." Days and days of wounded, continued triage for infections, control over soldiers refusing to rest. Good times.
"Yes, of course." Mordecai smiles, stroking Colson's hair. "You'll help me, tomorrow?"
Colson looks directly at Mordecai, his face serious. "I will be wherever you want me to be, and I will watch over you, to keep you safe. I will trust in you to be my Shield, while I am yours." Colson presses up onto his arm, looking down at Mordecai, his hair falling to the sides of his face. "And I will try very hard not to swoon over you too obviously," Colson says seriously, and then, in that lightning fast way that he does, winks.
Mordecai is startled into a laugh. He grins at Colson.
Colson smiles softly back, and sighs gently.
Mordecai reaches up and tucks some of Colson's hair back behind his ear. "I should eat," he says with complete lack of enthusiasm for eating.
"We both should, yes," Colson agrees, his eyes going warmer as Mordecai tucks his hair back.
"And maybe I could wash your hair," Mordecai offers, very optimistically considering the amount of energy he seems to have. He looks like he might fall asleep in the shower if he tried to take one.
Colson smiles wider, and looks over Mordecai's hair. "I should wash yours, but I think…perhaps rest first, then food and a shower. They can wait." He stares down at Mordecai.
"Mmm. Nap sounds… good." Mordecai keeps blinking at Colson, like he's having trouble keeping his eyes open.
Colson leans down to brush soft kisses against Mordecai's cheek. "Sleep, love," Colson says, and with an almost shockingly graceful roll, and attempts to pull Mordecai with him to reposition who is the Light weighted-blanket.
Mordecai puts up absolutely no resistance. He drapes himself happily over Colson, nuzzling at Colson's shoulder. "Wake me 'f you have nightmares," Mordecai says in the sleepy mumble.
"I will. Wake me if you need anything," Colson replies, and closes his eyes. "I can still march for fifteen minutes, I think," Colson guesses. He might be right. He might be off by 14 minutes. The fact that he drops almost immediately to sleep suggests he might have miscalculated slightly.
==Two Hours Later==
Mordecai has gone from using Colson's pillow as a pillow to using Colson's chest as his pillow. He has somehow managed to stretch diagonally across the bed, taking up as much space as is possible. He's smiling faintly in his sleep.
The changes to the paladin happen gradually. First there is the cold sweat. Colson's heart rate spikes, as his breathing picks up. There's a faint sound of pain from the paladin. On a note of pure anguish, Colson startles awake, his left hand shooting out in a familiar gesture to anyone who has seen Colson cast his Holy Shock with full intent. A faint crackle of the Light edges along his skin, dissipating rapidly. Colson gasps, over and over, as though he's trying to catch his breath and can't.
Mordecai makes a faint noise and rolls onto his back, blinking up at Colson's outstretched hand. "Mmn?"
Colson doesn't lower his hand, but he's staring either at it, or at something else past it, as he pants. He looks frightened, his eyes wide enough to show the whites all around, and he cannot catch his breath, in what sounds like true panic.
Mordecai sits up in bed, pulling his legs under him to sit cross-legged and looking down at Colson. It is quite dark in the room, partially because Mordecai forgot to put the usual lights on. Mordecai stretches over to the wall by the bed and turns on the strand of hanging crystal lights there, then settles back. "Colson?"
Colson's attention snaps to Mordecai, and he clenches his left hand into a hard fist. Mordecai has seen this as well, recently — the same gesture Colson uses to halt a Holy Shock. "Mordecai," he says, and his voice sounds raw, like he's dragged it over sharp stones and let it bleed.
Mordecai blinks and quickly traces a Fear Ward over Colson's heart. "I'm here."
Colson whimpers, and clutches Mordecai's hand over his heart with his left hand, pressing it harder into Colson. The moment the Fear Ward seems to take hold, either through magic or simple memory of it, Colson relaxes, going limp.
Mordecai leaves his right hand there, leaning down. "We're in Telaar. Were you dreaming?"
Colson's hands feel cold, his left in particular, as though Colson's repressed the Light as much as he possibly can. "Yes," he croaks. He closes his eyes and tilts his head back into the pillow. His hair is plastered to him where he's sweat, a lot. Colson utters a curse Mordecai rarely hears from him outside very specific circumstances, almost soundlessly.
Mordecai brushes Colson's hair back from his forehead gently with his free hand. "I'm here. Do you want some water?"
"Light, yes," Colson says. "Please."
Mordecai stretches over to his nightstand to grab one of the bottles that Past Mordecai had the foresight to leave there. "Here."
"Thank you." Colson tries to open one of the bottles one handed, and fumbles it completely, spilling the water over himself before he rights it. He curses again, and sits up. The water rapidly soaks into the blanket.
Mordecai stretches over to the nightstand again, this time to turn on the lamp. "It's just water," Mordecai says softly, as if Colson might in some way be worried about the consequences of spilling water. "It'll dry."
Colson sighs, and it's clear in the better light that he's paler, and the sense of the Light around him that is usually there…isn't nearly as strong. And his aura has not flickered on.
Mordecai watches Colson with a very, very concerned expression, chewing on his lower lip. He puts a hand on Colson's forehead as if he's checking temperature.
Colson feels like a normal person's temperature, which for Colson, is cooler than usual. He's clammy, and he leans into Mordecai's touch with a barely audible groan.
"Are you… awake?" Mordecai asks, cautiously.
"Yes," Colson says, and moves to try to drink some of the water. He sounds hoarse, like he's been screaming for hours, and he drinks the water slowly.
"I can't feel your aura," Mordecai says cautiously, in the same way he might tell somebody they weren't wearing pants.
Colson swallows the water, and closes his eyes. He takes several deep breaths, as though he's trying to calm down. And then, like a flower rapidly unfurling, the Light blooms around Colson again, as his aura ripples out from him, and a Blessing of Wisdom settles around him. Colson's temperature rises rapidly up to his usual.
Some of Mordecai's nervousness fades immediately, although he still looks concerned. "Um…"
Colson sets the water bottle down on his nightstand, and moves the wet blanket out of the way. He aims for Mordecai's shoulder to put his head down onto.
Mordecai wraps both arms around Colson. "What do you need?"
"You," Colson says, and there's a beat. "I need to…" Colson exhales slowly, and sets his left hand onto Mordecai's other shoulder. There's a pause, and then Colson's hand crackles in a warm, healing Holy Shock that passes from Colson to Mordecai in an instant heal. It's a powerful cast, as though Colson's put quite a lot into it.
Mordecai inhales sharply, closing his eyes.
Colson sags against Mordecai in pure relief. "I…kept trying to heal him. Over and over. I was killing him, instead. Every heal…burning him from inside out. I couldn't control it. Or make it stop."
"Fuck," Mordecai mutters on the exhale, pulling Colson closer. "Did you - did you suppress your aura on purpose?"
"I kept trying to make the Light go away, to stop…stop killing him. It kept pouring out of me no matter what I did," Colson says. "I burned him to ash."
"Oh, sweetheart. You're awake now. It's over." Mordecai reaches for Colson's left hand and kisses his palm. "You have more control than that. I know you do."
Colson nods, a vague head motion in the general affirmative way. "I know. Awake…I know that. I have never mis-cast it, not once. It is driven by intent, and I…" Colson exhales slowly. "I know when I sent it out today, to Fi, it was to heal her. It burned her…because there is nothing to heal in the dead." He's not entirely correct, but it's a reasonable assumption. "But I have never…thought about it. What would happen if my control slipped, even for a moment."
Mordecai nods. He goes quiet for a while, first holding Colson's hand and then beginning to trace letters in the tattoo, starting at his wrist and moving up.
Colson goes from smooth, even breathing as he calms, to his breathing picking up in a very different, very familiar way, as his muscles tense under Mordecai's touch. Colson nuzzles his head against Mordecai's shoulder, pressing a slow kiss there.
Mordecai smiles a little, running his thumb back and forth across a line that reads 'we are imperfect vessels channeling a perfect light'.
Colson, without looking, reads the full quote: "We are imperfect vessels channeling a perfect Light. You need not be perfect to be a perfect healer. You are a vessel through which the Light works, and the Light itself is a perfect form of all things we strive to be. It is the ultimate form of compassion, of life, of creation — and you need not BE it to channel it, and do its will. You need simply open the door for it, and for that, you need only allow yourself in your own flawed way to be a conduit through your human compassion." Colson speaks the words gently, his breath warm against Mordecai's shoulder. "Chaplain Keller. When I was in training," Colson explains.
"Oh." Mordecai turns Colson's arm a little so that he can see the text of the portion of that quotation that made it into the tattoo. "I wish I could write like that." Mordecai's voice has gone quieter.
Colson huffs something like a laugh. "Chaplain Keller was at least eighty when I was in training. He had been a priest for most of his life, and had he been even just twenty years younger, I expect he would have become a paladin. He had a long time to acquire his wisdom, and phrase it accordingly." Colson pauses. "He was in Lordaeron, when the Scourge destroyed it. He did not survive."
Mordecai sighs. "Maybe when I'm eighty, then."
Colson makes an affirmative sound. "I should have said his words to Ael, instead of my own. I have never been able to explain it well, no matter how many times I have tried to convey…" Colson waves a hand vaguely in the direction of his Journal.
"I disagree," Mordecai says quietly. "Just… from what I know about Ael, and the portion of what I heard you say… I think it was best that it came from you, and he'll remember that. Much of what I know was told to me in confidence, as a chaplain, but. He's been driven by grief for some time now."
"I can hear it, when he speaks. I can almost see it. The way he has hovered on the edge of his path, that long fall into the darkest depths where Retribution meets Despair. A paladin who despairs is…dangerous, to ourselves most of all."
"Yes," Mordecai says. "I could have… I could have done better with what I said to him myself, before he stormed out in the first place, but I was a little busy managing an entire fucking medical tent to properly diplomatic." Mordecai sounds frustrated - probably with himself, rather than with Ael.
Colson reaches his left hand up to Mordecai's face, cupping his cheek gently as Colson raises his head. His eyes are bloodshot, and red rimmed, his hair a disaster. Mordecai likely no better off, but Colson looks at him like Mordecai is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. "Darling, you know you cannot bear it all. 'Can't always be the one, to heal everything, and the weight of the world, was never yours to keep.'"
Mordecai looks almost angry, but his expression immediately softens as Colson looks at him. "If it's not my fault, then it isn't yours, either," Mordecai says firmly. The corners of his mouth twitch, and then he breaks into a smile.
Colson smiles faintly. "There is a reason I have that inked into me. I need to remind myself of it. Often. I see someone hurting, and I…want to help." Colson exhales slowly. "But it is not always a hurt I can heal." There's a flicker of something – almost panic — that is swiftly shoved back and away, as he strokes a hand along Mordecai's jaw. "And I think…" he says slowly. "I am ready to get this blood out of my hair." There's not actually much in Colson's, but the point stands.
Mordecai brightens a little. A task! Excellent. "Shower," Mordecai says agreeably, threads both hands into Colson's not-actually-that-bloody hair, and goes in for a kiss, which is a classically Mordecai counterproductive thing to do.
Colson sinks into it, making a low sound in his throat, pulling Mordecai harder against him. He seems pretty awake now. Mid-kiss, he changes his aura to [Frost Resistance Aura]. "In case I turn on the wrong one," Colson murmurs against Mordecai's lips.
Mordecai laughs, delighted. "Right is cold. Most people turn on both, you know, instead of taking freezing showers or boiling showers." His tone is very fond.
"Simpler to merely turn on one, and be done quickly," Colson says, his voice low and soft, as he kisses a line along Mordecai's jaw. "For you, though. I am willing to turn on whatever you want." Colson hesitates. "Maybe not the wings. I don't think I know how corporeal those are. I have never had a reason to check."
Mordecai is startled into laughter again, and he takes Colson's hands in his and begins scooting backwards towards the edge of the bed, tugging Colson along with him. "Shower, come on. I need to get out of this bed before I decide not to get out of this bed."
Colson gives Mordecai a flash of a grin that chases the last of the lingering shadows of panic and pain off his face, as he does his best to scoot gracefully along to follow Mordecai out of bed.