(2022-07-31) A Lesson with Feelings

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Author:	Alli
Summary:	Lena shows up for her usual warlock lesson with Calduin Bennett, but it soon becomes clear that her teacher is not alright.
Rating:	T for Teen

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reference to character death, grief, suicidal ideation

Lena pauses at the top of the last staircase to catch her breath, so that she can walk down in a calm, measured way.
Calduin bows before Lena.
Lena bows before Calduin.
[Lena]: Good morning, Mr. Bennett.
[Calduin]: Please, take a seat. We'll begin with a brief meditation.
Lena sits down obediently and closes her eyes.
Calduin sits cross-legged and upright with his hands resting lightly on his knees.
[Calduin]: Focus on the part of your body that is the most still, the most empty. A part of you that remains constant even as you breathe in and out.
Lena sits back, correcting her posture slightly, and breathes slowly in and out.
[Calduin]: Relax your tongue away from the roof of your mouth; let there be empty space between your teeth. Relax your jaw.
[Calduin]: Keep your attention focused on stillness. Pay no mind to the passage of time, only the stillness. I will speak again when it is time to stop.
Lena lets her mouth fall open, just slightly, and lets her whole body go still. She does not show any signs of impatience.
Calduin sits for around three minutes in absolute silence. His breath is inaudible; he may as well not be in the room. At last he quietly says, "Good. You may stand."
Lena stands up and opens her eyes, looking back to Calduin. "I did all that reading you suggested this week, so I'm ready."
Calduin gazes at her for a moment, his pale eyes slightly unfocused. "Yes. The reading." He's silent for another strangely extended moment. "Remind me?" he finally says.
Lena blinks at him, and looks over at her satchel. "On fear? The uses of fear?" She looks at his face more carefully.
Calduin 's face looks much as it always looks. "Yes. Good." He turns and begins to go through his own bag, which rests on a small table which is absolutely in the room.
Calduin 's search takes a while. His back is to her. At last his shoulders drop slightly, and he lets out a slow exhale as though of resignation.
Calduin takes a moment, then turns back to her, expression neutral.
[Calduin]: Please accept my apologies. My notes are not in my bag. I'll make do as best I can.
[Lena]: Are you… is something wrong? *Lena looks at him with worry*
Calduin wavers slightly at the question, as though a strong wind has suddenly swept down the stairs and he came precipitously close to being pushed back by it.
[Calduin]: Yes. *He finally concedes.*
Lena bites her lip, and then says, "Do you want to meditate some more? Or reschedule the lesson? Or um… talk about it?"
[Calduin]: What would you prefer? I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience.
[Lena]: It's just, like you usually say… It's important to understand negative emotions. And not let them affect us when we practice.
[Calduin]: I agree completely. Thank you. I realize now, in retrospect, that I ought to have canceled the lesson. I overestimated the degree to which I had my inner affairs handled.
[Calduin]: But you've come all this way, and so I will proceed as you prefer.
[Calduin]: We may as well salvage the time, let you learn something from it.
[Lena]: If it would help, we could talk. Sometimes it's easier to deal with things, if you share them with somebody else. Do you have somebody you usually talk to?
Calduin briefly looks as though she has stabbed him directly in the heart.
Calduin turns away and goes to sit on the stone ledge.
[Calduin]: She died. That is the trouble.
Lena goes to sit down next to him, close enough to talk but far enough away to not crowd him.
Calduin remains quiet, calm, but his eyes fill with tears. The overflow is almost immediate, but he pays no mind to the glittering drops spilling down his cheeks any more than he heeds the taunts of a summoned demon.
[Lena]: I'm sorry. Was it unexpected?
[Calduin]: Yes. I suppose it is useful for you to see that everyone loses control of their emotions at times, hm? What matters is how we respond to it.
Lena does not show any sign of moving to touch him, or give any kind of physical comfort. "Yes. Grief is a tough one for anybody, I suppose. I know it was for me."
[Calduin]: Tell me.
[Lena]: Oh, that's old stuff now. But it was unexpected back then. My parents… didn't think the Scourge would reach so far into Silverpine. They did. I was close enough to hear, but… *she shrugged* …I ran. It's not so hard to talk about, for me. *She smiles at him apologetically.* I was a young woman in a refugee camp, after the fall. There was a lot of talking. I think it helps, in some ways.
Calduin nods thoughtfully. "I always used my sister as a sounding board. A… pressure valve? She was extremely emotional, at times distressingly so. I could hand her a problem and somehow through her reaction, I felt … spent."
[Lena]: She sort of… felt the feelings for you?
[Calduin]: Yes. For example, once I told her something a fellow warlock had done to me, and she became so angry she broke a chair. Somehow that freed me from my own anger. I'm not entirely certain how it worked, or if even there was something metaphysical about it. We were fraternal twins, you see.
Lena nods. "Some people say there's like… a soul connection, with twins. Though it seems like if there were, warlocks'd be able to find it."
[Calduin]: I never found anything that could be proven. Perhaps it was simply a close bond. One I realize now I took for granted.
Calduin 's eyes brim over with fresh tears, but he otherwise remains still and calm.
[Lena]: I'm sorry. For you to lose somebody you love, and to lose… do you think you'll be okay, with the feelings, and no outlet?
[Calduin]: I don't know. I should probably stop teaching for a while. Steer clear of… all of this. *He gestures around at the grim surroundings.*
[Calduin]: This is exactly the sort of thing that turns warlocks bad, hm?
[Lena]: Grief? Maybe. *Lena frowns.* I don't think you'd go that far. You still seem pretty well in control. And you don't summon, right?
[Calduin]: I do not, no.
[Calduin]: And I know that I seem well controlled, but I assure you, I am not doing well.
[Lena]: I am not saying you ought to push yourself to keep going like nothing's wrong. I mean, I'll be alright for a while. I think I have a pretty good base to work from? And I won't do anything new and wild without consulting you.
Calduin is quiet for a moment, thoughtful.
[Calduin]: I used to have an imp that would constantly harangue me, taunt me, say vicious things. I could remain calm in the face of even his most pointed and cruel barbs.
[Calduin]: What you see now is… that. Except the voice is no longer a demon's. It is my own. I am able not to act upon it, but I still hear it. Saying things meant to push me to unwise action.
[Lena]: What does it make you want to do?
[Calduin]: Follow her path, die as she did. It tells me there is no further use in continuing. But for my mother's sake alone, I should not do such a thing.
[Calduin]: She has already lost a husband and a daughter.
Lena shifts uncomfortably, like this might be the time she'd probably hug a person. She doesn't. "What was her path? If I can ask."
[Calduin]: She went north to the Plaguelands. To fight the Scourge.
[Calduin]: We were from Lordaeron, originally. She has done her best to make a life here… *he hesitates, corrects himself* Did her best. But it wasn't enough. She never stopped wanting our old life. Before everything went wrong.
[Calduin]: Everything in me says that the only way to honor her is to go up there myself. To fight the creatures that killed her until they take me, too. But I'm aware of the foolishness and futility of that idea, and I will not give into it.
[Lena]: Oh. *Lena looks down at her hands* I can get that feeling. But you… you have a life here, right? With all the students and everything?
[Calduin]: I do have a life here. I imagine she would want me to live it, as dull as she quite vocally found it.
Lena nods. "And it wouldn't honor her, to be one more dead among many. To give your life to the ones that took hers."
[Calduin]: That is why I suspect the voice is a selfish one. The one that simply wants an end to my pain.
[Lena]: Do you think your life's dull?
[Calduin]: Before she died, I found life stimulating and fulfilling. Since her death I have found it unbearable. It has never, to me, been boring.
Calduin talks about his pain, about finding life unbearable, in the same tone he would discuss the weather.
[Lena]: What else could you do, to help bear it? Besides running off to the Plaguelands, I mean.
[Calduin]: I don't know. I… don't know. *His voice breaks. He takes a moment to breathe.*
Lena has been matching his tone, though her expression is one of worry.
[Calduin]: If I can… get through this part… the pain will lessen as it did with my father. And then I would find fulfillment in teaching, and in learning, once again.
[Calduin]: But I remember how long it took. And I had her to help.
[Calduin]: I have a romantic partner of sorts, but I find suddenly that I feel very cold toward him. I have no desire to share this pain with him.
[Calduin]: He is a paladin, and I know what he will say, and it makes me angry just to think of it.
[Calduin]: I do not want to be angry with him.
Lena tilts her head. "What would he say? Something very righteous and unhelpful?"
[Calduin]: Yes. About sacrifice, about how we must do something.
[Calduin]: I am already angry at him, even though he has not yet said anything, because I have not spoken to him since I got the letter. I find myself suddenly angry about many things he has said in the past, that I did not let anger me before.
[Calduin]: Nothing I am feeling makes any sense, even with other grief to compare it to.
[Calduin]: Which makes me unpredictable, and that worries me.
[Lena]: Maybe… maybe you'd had a lot of stuff pent up, relying on her to help you keep it all under control. And now it's all come loose.
Calduin nods thoughtfully.
[Calduin]: What shall I do, then?
Lena shakes her head. "I was trying to think, to offer, how I handled things. But it was different. I was very focused on staying alive, and that kind of took all my energy, for a long time."
[Calduin]: I cannot allow myself anywhere near demons while I have such chaos inside me. That much I know for certain.
Lena nods. "I won't argue with that. I'd have been a horrible warlock back then, too, though I wouldn't have thought it at the time."
[Calduin]: My mother and I are not close, but perhaps I should simply stay with her for a while. We should watch one another and make sure we are safe.
[Lena]: It might give you a focus, to take care of her? Something outside yourself.
Calduin nods.
[Lena]: And like you say, feelings aren't bad. You just got to let them come, understand them, make sense of them, right?
[Calduin]: Yes.
[Calduin]: I will cancel all of my classes for the time being. Let them know I have had a death in the family, so they don't feel casually abandoned.
[Lena]: People will understand. You might get flowers and casseroles, but people won't think you abandoned them.
Calduin nods, his eyes filling up again. He takes slow, deep breaths, and waits for it to pass.
[Calduin]: You are right that talking helped. I am grateful to you. May I take your hand?
[Lena]: Yes, of course. *Lena holds out one hand, a little uncertainly*
Calduin takes her hand between his own for a moment, pressing it gently. It almost feels like a hug, warm and sincere and the last thing she might have expected from her aloof instructor. Then he gives her hand back, almost before she has time to process it.
Lena looks at him, for a long moment, and then smiles faintly. "I'm glad it helped. And not lessons, but if you do want to meet up sometimes? I'm, you know, around."
Calduin studies her for a moment.
[Calduin]: I will have to give that some thought. I prefer not to have personal relationships with my students, but I may have already crossed that boundary. I need some time to decide how best to proceed.
Lena nods, shifting her sitting position, and thinking. "I can pretend today didn't happen, if you like. Or you can recommend me another teacher."
[Calduin]: I am not yet ready to make that decision.
[Lena]: That's alright. There's no hurry on it.
Calduin nods. "I will let you know as soon as I have decided."
[Calduin]: I think, as I am in no condition to teach you today, particularly about fear, we should call it a day, and I will go look in on my mother. I hope I have not caused you any distress.
Lena smiles at him. "Sure, I can just practice what you taught me up till now, for a while. And no distress, except that I might worry for you."
Calduin studies her for a moment.
[Calduin]: You have a kind heart. As I've said before, the Alliance needs more warlocks of your caliber.
Lena gives a slight bow to him. "Thank you, Mr. Bennett."
[Calduin]: Take care, until next we meet. Please practice your spellcasting here for a while, to give me time for a dignified exit.
Is that a trace of a smile on his face?
Lena gives a quiet giggle. "I'll make sure to take my time."
Calduin walks away and up the stairs, very dignified.