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| Details |
| Author: | Saaron |
| Summary: | Entry three of Sandy's Outland Journal! It talks about the events of the last few weeks. |
| Rating: | T for Teen |
26th entry of Gausanders Spellbond’s journal
Phew, the last entry ended on a dark note, didn’t it?
Unfortunately, I’m not sure this one will be much happier. I haven’t been in the greatest of moods recently. I’m trying my best to be cheerful, for everyone else’s sake, but I’m honestly a bit scared of everything, right now. It all feels so much more dangerous with myself around, ever since that time in the Blood Furnace…
There was a demon that took control over me, it felt like it was calling to my blood. At least, it commended the Fel that’s in my blood. I couldn’t fight against it. I attacked Rae. I killed her. Hopefully, Colson was here to bring her back, but what if he wasn’t? What if I’m alone with someone next time a demon takes control over me?
And you know, once I was free from this control, I felt bad. I’d killed my friend. But while it was happening I wasn’t feeling bad. At all! It felt good. As if using my powers this way was the right thing to do. And I didn’t even have to worry about it, because I wasn’t really doing it. I could let go, not worry about anything. I wasn’t the one in control of anything. Someone else was, and it was nice to just… sit back in a corner of my mind and relax, not think of what I was doing, how, and why.
I wonder if it’s how demons feel when they fight for the Legion?..
Anyway, Colson tried to comfort me about all of this, and it kind of worked, I guess? I mean, I felt better after we talked about this! He did say things that made sense! But even if what he said makes sense – and I know it does – at times, I feel like it doesn’t. I can’t explain it, really. I know that it just means I must be way more careful from now on and that what happened, it’s not as bad as I tell myself it is but I don’t feel like it is. Sometimes I feel like everything is crumbling down because of me.
Rae already has a hard time with people and magic, and I killed her. I know I didn’t really do it, I know it was not my fault, and as Colson said, I know it was the wrong thing to do, it’s not something I would have done on my own. But at times, I think back about that day, and I’m just sad about it. I can’t help it. And everything becomes a “what if”. The past is full of “what if”s (“what if I never became a warlock? What if I just kept studying the Arcane with mom and my brothers?”), and the future is too (“What if it happens again? What if I do worse, next time?”).
I said I’d caught a cold in Ironforge, last time I went there for Bruuk’s bar night, that I couldn’t come with the others and help in Terokkar, this week. All because I can’t even begin to think about what to say to Rae right now…
I hope I didn’t miss anything good on Sunday!
Speaking of not knowing what to say, Colson has taken a few steps to help me find Therald. He actually knows a Therald that lived near Lordaeron. He works with the Argent Dawn, and he’s currently working at the Dark Portal. So, I went there, ready to speak with that Therald, ready to know if he could be my dad…
And then I panicked! How do you even begin a conversation like that? “Hi, are you Therald? Because I don’t have a dad, but if I had one, I know he’d be called Therald! Do you know any others, maybe?”? Mention the names Leghan and Sirie? Or ask about the Felguard Auralind saw in her vision? There’s no good way to start a conversation like that! So I kind of gave up that day. Said something stupid and ran away before he even had the time to answer.
Colson asked if I wanted to go with him. I don’t know… He’s already helped me a lot, with a lot of stuff, and I don’t want to burden him. Especially since I’ve just learned he was getting married! You don’t bother someone who’s getting married with your own problems!
I should start reading the newsletter again, uh?
On the other hand, I do think it’d be easier to ask that man if I had someone with me. But who? I can’t go meet my potential dad again with just anybody! What if he doesn’t like the person who comes with me and he says “Son, you can’t hang with these people again, they are a bad influence!” (By the way, if he says “yes, I am your dad”, what should I call him? Therald? Dad? Father? Or maybe ‘Buddy’ again, like a dummy?)
Maybe the more, the merrier? I could invite as many people as possible, bring them all to the Dark Portal, and they’d do the talking while I crouch behind that crowd and listen?
It’s better if a huge group of people goes “Do you have a son named Leghan?”, if he says “no, sorry”, then that’s okay, everybody can say “Sorry for the inconvenience, bye”. But if it’s just me and another person who go and ask him, that’s a lot more awkward to go “oops, sorry, wrong person”. Plus, if he isn’t my father and if I’m hiding behind people when they ask, he won’t think I’m just out there to prank him after our last meeting! That might be the best solution because if somebody did what I did to him last time and came back sometime later to ask if I was their dad, I’d definitely think someone’s making fun of me!
Or maybe… I should ask Gwen? She’s good with the talking. When she explained her portal to Azeroth theory, Jo and Cress understood immediately, and I think other people did too, even if it was a bit technical! Plus I don’t think my father (or the Therald who’s not my father at the Dark Portal) would dislike Gwen. There’s probably no one in Azeroth who dislikes Gwen! But if she’s not available, or if she doesn’t want to help me, I can always ask someone else, that’s okay, I don’t mind. Everybody is a little busy right now, I can definitely understand if she doesn’t want to help me!
Or maybe I can mix both plans! I send a huge crowd of people, like, everyone in the Company. I hide behind them and listen, while Gwen plays the role of the spokesperson!
That sounds like a plan!